October 27, 2006
I prize friendship and loyalty above most other things in life. To me, your friends are the people you KNOW you can count on when the chips are down. That when everything goes wrong, as it sometimes will, you know unequivocally you can count on that friend, no questions asked.
If you’ve ever had a crisis in your life, you’ll know what I’m talking about. People you thought were your friends run for cover and disappear or worse, do the wrong thing. Even worse than that is that when they have their own agenda and put that above loyalty. I understand that people make mistakes. That things are not always as they seem, but those are the times when loyalty counts even more.
I try to surround myself with people who I know I can count on. When I was younger, it was critical for my survival. As an adult, I have little tolerance for any deviation from these certain qualities in people that could have been so detrimental to me as a teen. I left home when I was 15 and have had a tumultuous relationship with my family ever since. I had a very difficult adolescence. It’s very tough to be 15 and worry about where your next meal is coming from and where you’re going to sleep. It’s tough to work, support yourself, and go to school when your peers are worrying about who kissed who and what they’re wearing to the prom.
I see the world in black and white. People you can count on, people you can’t. I have a very difficult time seeing and appreciating the grays. Steve tries to teach me all the time that people can have good qualities and then be not so good at stuff, but I see a liar as a liar, a traitor as a traitor, and there’s just no in-betweens for me. I can still be civil, even maintain a casual friendship, but once someone has let me down, it’s never the same. I put them on a mental black list and write them off forever. Then we drift apart and that’s ok for me. I’ve let many friendships die. Just walked away and never looked back because I know that when hell breaks loose, that person is not someone I want watching my back. And hell likes to break loose a lot in my life. 
I have a friend who really taught me how to be a friend, and then when things went wrong, she let me down. We’ve drifted apart. It’s the way it has to be. Because I know if my life’s hanging in the balance as it so often did when I was younger, I don’t want to have to rely on her. She could get me hurt or killed. I can’t stop with the siege mentality. I know that I’m an adult now, I know that I do not need people to be true or reliable or trustworthy or loyal in every situation, and yet, I can not turn that survival instinct off.
Unfortunately, it’s very short list of people I truly know I can count on. I have friends that do not know that I am aware of what I would term as a massive betrayal of our friendship. I go on casually but know that I will never, ever be able to trust them again. I spent the early part of life learning hard lessons and learning to read people quickly. I rely on perceptiveness and gut instinct more than anything people say or do. Tell me you did the right thing when it counted, but if I happen to know differently, I will never trust you again.
A friend of mine called me late last night as I was climbing into bed. She’s one of those friends I know I can count on no matter what ever happens. I was exhausted. I’ve had a long, hard, exhausting week. I needed sleep. But I talked to her for 2 hours until my phone battery died. Why? Because it’s about loyalty. It’s about friendship. It’s about being there when someone needs you to listen. Or needs your shoulder to cry on. Or needs your help. It’s about putting friendship, loyalty, and trust before yourself. Because that’s what friends do.
October 27, 2006 at 8:27 pm
Interseting Post! Something that effects us all I spose. You are right about people letting you down though. I know I have No tollerance for people letting me down in a big way without a valid excuse. But then as I am basically a person that works things out so I dont have to rely on other people I really am seldomly put in this position. When I look at people I think Ok thats what I see but What do they see in regards to our friendship…What I am trying to say is friendship can be more or less important to one of the 2 people and one cant always inflict oor own standards on it…. As for the late night phone calls listening to problems…No way….My friends know that if they are in Genuine trouble I will be first there… Listening to Shit though…Not my Department unless they would like to hear the story of how I cut my Leg when I was 6….that takes 3 hours.
October 27, 2006 at 11:36 pm
It’s not that I’m not independant, but we females are more social that you males. And we rely on each other. And sometimes need each other’s help. And I do have extremely high standards.
I’ll listen to your cut leg story when you were six. Lord knows you keep talking about it.
October 28, 2006 at 12:19 am
No I am afraid the cut the leg story needs to be in person.
October 28, 2006 at 8:41 am
I want the cut leg story…NOW!!!
Very nice post. Amazing how certain experiences can shape our lives, it sounds like your youth really impacts the way you deal with people (probably so for all of us!). I tend to give people benefit of the doubt, but that doesn’t mean I trust them. But just because I don’t trust certain people doesn’t mean I don’t like them, or wouldn’t consider trusting them in the future, although, like you say, if you’ve found out the hard way you can’t trust someone that you used to, well, you never will trust them again. For me, people have to earn my trust. And that takes many years usually.
October 28, 2006 at 10:56 am
Yeah, we vote for the cut leg story Shaymus! CUT LEG CUT LEG CUT LEG. Oh sorry. My kids chant like that all the time.
Seb-I don’t give people the benefit of the doubt until they prove themselves trustworthy. lol.
October 28, 2006 at 7:45 pm
Good post. Emotional and scary as hell. ‘Helen’ …mind if I call you that? Friends are like beautiful women to me. I hear about them, or see them in magazines and hidden behind guys with biceps bigger then my Toyota. But ignore me none-the-less.
As you can tell, my self-esteem is as big as my … dick ies. Shoe. My neighbor’s little son’s Dickies shoes. That’s what I meant. It’s hard for me to find ‘friends’. I have a ton of acquaintances. We are all neurotics to a certain extent and it’s hard to find people willing to accept you in their territorial bubble (and vice-versa). But when they do, you should willingly lay down the bricks to form the foundation of honour and love.
Will you be my friend?On a total side note. I have not always been a decent person, I have let those closest to me down and lost strings that can never be tied again. That is my fault. That is my punishment. But all people have faults and all people make mistakes. Friends should be there to help correct them even if it hurts them more then they want.
October 28, 2006 at 8:39 pm
Omni-
Very touching comment. Our past shapes us in ways we can’t always see. I don’t believe that friends are hard to make, it simply requires effort. Shaymus hit the nail on the head when he said that I have high expectations. I demand a lot. I give a lot but I always want to hold people to MY standards and there aren’t a lot of people who are able to meet them.
I’ll be your friend.
I do believe that people make mistakes. It’s when their mistakes are especially harmful to me that I have to draw the line. I despise lies and betrayal. Those are some of the worst crimes. I’ll forgive flakiness and forgetfulness, but I won’t forgive a betrayal.
Were drugs and alcohol involved in you letting those around you down? You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to, it just sounded that way….I’ll still be your friend. My life has been impacted by quite a few drug addicts and alcoholics….
October 28, 2006 at 11:33 pm
“And I do have extremely high standards.” Not in your blogging friends you don’t.
Life sucks then you die. Anything good you can throw in the middle is gravey… friends, laughter, blogging.
I’m a fatalist though. But it wasn’t always that way for ol’ DB. The past 10 years changed me radically. No way would the me of 10 years ago be the friend of the me now.
I lost most of my friends when I left my faith behind. I have a few friends that survived that purging but I can count them on half a hand. Mrs. C is my best friend. She’s a good soul and the only spiritual influence I’ll allow in my life anymore.
I’m still not entirely over the bitterness and betrayal that occurred during those dark (spiritual) years. That’s why I don’t think abot it… until certain bloggers go getting serious and make me reflect on MY past. This is about you not me. Darn you Helen! Darn you straight to heck!
October 29, 2006 at 8:58 am
*sigh* I know too well what you are talking about. I wish I had “those” type of friends in my life. The loyal ones. The ones you know would do anything for you and wouldn’t run when you were in a mess. My best friend, coincidentally who lives in Seattle, is the ONLY one and damnit our time zones are so far apart that we just don’t talk very much anymore. When we do though, it’s like nothing changed, we pick right back up where we left off.
I thought I had good friends here. I found out the hard way (but I guess it’s good in the end…
that they weren’t really “those” kind of friends. I don’t want to be a total drama queen in your blog… but let’s just say I have a really, really bad, dark, miserable period behind me. They ran. They didn’t understand. They didn’t relate. There is only one… of all the friends I had (and I had a lot - I used to organise and coordinate several different expat groups here in NL) that I’m teetering on the edge with… trying to decide if we go further. All the others… gone. It hurts and it sucks, but at least I KNOW now.
Way too emotional today!!
October 29, 2006 at 1:44 pm
DB- Oh but I do.
You know, with that attitude it’s a wonder you were able to be a minister. 
In all seriousness though, I’m concerned that you left your faith behind. I may joke about religion but I am very deeply religious. I also believe that your religion is what you do when the sermon is over. Living one’s life in a way that perpetuates good karma instead of bad is still like religion. And although I don’t know you in real life, I think that you live your life that way too. I’ve never seen you be mean or even take shots at people, even when a prime opportunity presented itself. It tells me a lot about your character. You can say all you want about your evil darkness, but the truth is, you’re still 60% pure. 
I really hope that what happened to you isn’t what happened to the rector of our church, but I suspect it is. She also left the ministry. It’s terribly tragic.
Stoeipoes-
You’re perfectly welcome to come get all teary eyed and emotional here. That’s what I’m here for. If you start taking yourself too seriously though, someone’s bound to go get funny on you. My friend lives in a different time zone too. Which is why she calls in the middle of the night. It’s easier to talk when the kids are in bed and the house is quiet. It was even later for her. It’s good to have friendships that defy the passage of time.
I always think it’s really better when you KNOW who your good friends are. I hate finding out at inconvenient times. Life goes on, you meet new people. Circle of life and all that…..
October 29, 2006 at 8:28 pm
I didn’t have this attitude until after I became a minister.
Look… I appreciate your concern for my soul, I really do. And believe me you aren’t alone, but (I say with the utmost humility and kindness) I don’t wanna go there… with you or anyone else.
I shouldn’t have ever mentioned it in the first place because it always ends up weirding people out whe they learn my past and my current agnostic state.
Besides these serious touchy feely lifetime television comments can really kill a good blogging buzz.
Like a wise woman recently told me, “Serious is just so….well darn grown up. Don’t you get enough of that in your everyday life? I mean I can’t go around making smart ass comments in real life.” I agree wholeheartedly!!!
October 29, 2006 at 10:40 pm
DB-
It’s not like I think I can save you. Or am I trying to. I’m not an in your face Jesus freak. That was pretty much all I got. Your soul is safe from the likes of me.
I’m not weirded out. It takes a lot to weird me out. And since you’re not wearing Mrs. C’s underwear, I’m not weirded out. Ok, if you are, don’t tell me, that’ll weird me out.
And I didn’t get all serious until you did. You started it. So let the farting begin and let’s go back to funny. Seriously. You gotta see the shirt I wore tonight…..
October 30, 2006 at 12:02 am
I know you weren’t Helen. I know. I did bring it up first (as an innocent aside) and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have. I use an alias for a reason, to keep my private life private and I violated my own prime directive.
I just think I’m still to close to the whole situation to be objective. I would be happy to discuss this in an email exchange if you ever wanted to. I just don’t want to go on about it here in the comments and chase others off from commenting because the thread got too heavy or personal. You know what I mean?
And besides I don’t want to do anything to make you feel like, “Well screw you pal! You brought it up so don’t go telling me to shut up about!”
I’ve never met you in person but I like to think we’re becoming pretty good blogging buddies and I don’t want to do or say anything to screw that up. There’s that 60% pure thing coming out again.
So yea, let’s bury this here and go back to funny…
Since you asked me not to tell you if I was wearing Mrs. C’s underwear… I guess I have nothing else to say. ;D
October 30, 2006 at 7:38 am
I feel like a Peeping Tom. But a ‘friendly’ Peeping Tom.
Actually your conversation fits this blog’s topic ‘Friends’ perfect. Now, reveal intimate details. I have information to sell, and it’s not going to sell itself!
October 30, 2006 at 10:24 am
DB- You really should stop violating yourself.
Hey, I didn’t get the other email you said you were sending me. I really don’t think there’s much of anything that’ll chase these guys away. They want juicy details. They’ll stick around. ;)See now if we saw each other in person, you’d know me but I wouldn’t know you. That silly picture is not much to go on….. And take off Mrs. C’s underwear, it’s hard to focus with you wearing those.
Omni- I did reveal intimate personal details. If I keep going, we’ll all be depressed and crying. lol.
October 30, 2006 at 8:53 pm
Check your email… not about this subject… the other subject… no, not that one… that one.
You see how I avoided omni’s pressing call for further details.
October 30, 2006 at 8:56 pm
Show him some boobs. He’ll get distracted and forget.
Ok I’ll check my mail…..
January 4, 2008 at 4:03 am
It doesn’t have to be boyfriend girlfriend. I’ve simply got a friend who’ve I’ve known from college for on to eight years and who’ve changed attitudes into a more self-centered world. Never once said sorry and values individualism and honor over loyalty. When in deep trouble never trusts anyone. The only motivation to keep this dying friendship is he’s one of the two friends we used to hang out with and I’m a loyal friend. Friends should watch your back. They don’t have to be perfect, just loyal. We’ve had plenty of talks about how disrepectful it is for continuing this behavior myself and the other close friend. It’s a shame. When someone who’ve I been accustomed to for so long just doesn’t trust anyone else for anything, I too get infected by that disease. Feel like its time to cut the tumor off before it becomes cancer.
January 4, 2008 at 6:14 pm
Sounds like you need to let go of that friend….