Yes, if you wanted hell on earth, people, you should have been with me in son #1’s classroom this afternoon. I do not break easily. It usually takes groups of over 50 kids, usually 100, to bring me to my knees. And yet, 27 children today almost brought me to my knees. Who am I kidding? If I were a drinker, I’d be passed out drunk in a pool of my own vomit by now. Naked.

The kids were making something for their teacher for an end of the year gift so we sent the teacher out of the room. Two other parents had planned this. I only came in at the last minute to help. OMFG. Let’s say that again, people. OMFG. I ended up as the patrol cop and I’m telling ya, I seriously needed a billy club or stun gun. I literally had to break up two kids that started fighting. I had to pull kids off desks, while they were coming across the desks at each other, they were throwing things, screaming, running, fighting, you name it. I realized about half way into this that the other two parents were working with the kids on the project and appeared unaware of the mayhem. So that left me to patrol the room and try to keep them from killing each other or me.

That’s when survival mode kicked in. First I looked for what this teacher used for a signal. Most good teachers have a bell, or some other item that makes noise and when the kids hear it, they quiet down. My search was in vain. She probably took it with her. I would. I would sleep with it trying to hold onto my sanity every night if this was my class. No, scratch that. I would have never let the mayhem start in the first place. It’s not in my nature.

So while I’m searching, I realize one of the kids is talking to me. Telling me about his tribe’s points. I gave him a tight smile, but my subconscious filed it away. I stood desperately looking for whatever she used for a signal. I did not think my old coach’s standby- bellowing HEY!- would go over in a classroom really well. In fact, no coaching survival skills I learned were going to help here. I could not run them until exhaustion and obedience kicked in. I could not simply yell OVER their voices to be heard. I could not make them sit out of our activity. I was without arsenal. Then my eyes glanced over to where the child was pointing to on the white board. There were four “groups” with hatch marks. I glaced at the tribal “heads” and it matched one person from each table group. Holy Mother of God, I hit the jackpot. There is a God after all.

I was finally able to get their attention and told them that when the teacher came back, I would be making recommendations on who should receive points (I took a gamble that they were earning points- I wasn’t listening too closely to that child) and then suddenly about half the children starting trying to get the other half to behave. So it left me to only have to focus on about 8 kids that had truly horrendous behavior. You could actually hear showdown music between me and the two most difficult ones. Holy Misbehaving Kids, Batman. I have incredible sympathy for these two kids’ mothers. For however much I complain about how difficult MY son is, I know that he would never behave like these two to another adult. He would act like that at home, but NEVER to another adult. One of these kids was so disrespectful, I almost marched him down to the principal’s. Instead I said “That’s completely disprespectful and you will not talk to me like that.” Amazingly that put an end to him talking to me like that. I gave him one of those mom glares that you only learn after you have kids and we were done with disrespect. His behavior was still pretty bad, but I was able for the most part, to keep him in check with the “I WILL NOT PUT UP WITH THAT” glare.

For the other child, I saved my very best working-with-ADHD-kids technique and was finally able to get him in line too. But I was aggravated. In fact I wanted to start screaming and not stop. People ask me why I don’t coach or teach anymore (as a paid job). This is why. I find this kind of thing so soul draining, that I don’t have enough left for my own kids. And I’ve got a child who needs my full, undivided attention. Because if he senses weakness, he will become so unruly, he will take over the house and possibly the world. I have to say though, he was pretty well behaved today. I think I only had to tell him to sit down twice, which in the midst of all those kids doing so many worse things, my son came out wearing a halo. I’ll never know if I wasn’t there if he still would have behaved as well, but I’d like to think that sometimes this kid might actually mind his manners and behave. I have to think that. Or I wouldn’t be able to sleep at night…. ;)

Teachers aren’t paid nearly enough. Good teachers should be paid like fortune 100 CEOs. Because they are few and far between. And they have to put up with more than you can possibly imagine. Be sure to thank your child’s teacher. ESPECIALLY if they’re any good. These people are very special.

A hundred years from now
it will not matter what my bank account was,
the sort of house I lived in,
or the kind of car I drove.
But the world may be different,
because I was important in the life of a child.

Source: Forest Witcraft, “Within My Power”, Scouting, October 1950, p. 2