I forgot where I was going with this….

You thought my eye was twitching violently earlier today? It’s 12:27 a.m. I have just returned home from the ER. Son #1 broke his elbow. He fell off his scooter this evening. Honestly, what have I done to deserve this, Universe?!?!

I’m off to bed. The all night long pain medication dosing starts again…….

H-O-N-E-Y I’m home! Ok see that eye twitch? Um yeah. That’s from 5 days at various Disneyworld parks, followed by 2 days at Sea World Parks, followed by a LONG trip home, followed by the revelation that son #2 requires surgery (before we left for vacation I was told son #1 also needs another surgery), followed by a conversation with my mother about my brother’s wedding (ok, it was yet another argument, who are we kidding here?), followed by my dead car battery which, by the way caused my stereo and nav system to go down and need a “code” which I had to go to the effin’ dealer to get, followed by a note on the door by an angry neighbor about the damn dog’s barking, followed by…..I have to stop. My eye is twitching so violently I can’t see the screen.

Ok, so just to let you in on the wild difference between Seattle and Florida, in Seattle, you can’t go more than a half block without seeing a coffee shop. In Florida, you don’t go more than a half block without seeing a tattoo parlor. So I did what any person in their right mind would do without coffee; I got a tattoo. Ok so it’s a henna tattoo. Don’t panic. But I was REALLY desperate for coffee. God, it’s good to be home. And before you think I’m going to get all leisurely with my time, I’m leaving for California on Tuesday. My high school reunion is next weekend. I am old. But lucky for me, with the exception of a few lines and wrinkles, I look exactly the same. Is that a good or bad thing?

I’m sorry I haven’t gotten caught up with all your comments and visited your blogs, I’m trying to squeeze a bunch of doctor appointments and errands in before we leave again. I promise, I’ll be back soon. Try not to miss me.

p.s. See cool dolphin pictures here.

My internet time is so limited right now, I sometimes can’t even read my email for days at a time. Hotels want my first born to get online. We’ve moved from Cocoa Beach into Orlando. We ended up finding an excellent Indian restaurant in Cocoa Beach and I had my first decent hot meal since we got here. I found a “health food store” (that’s what they still call them here in the South) and ate ready-to-eat food from there for a few days. I noticed it was the same store someone recommended in the comments. I finally was able to find something edible.

I’ve been a vegetarian for so long now that should my food become contaminated with meat, I get severe, vicious, gastrointestinal distress. Within an hour I get wicked stomach cramps that are so bad they hurt in my back and I literally am doubled over. Then I get nausea so bad, I usually spend several hours with my head hanging over a garbage can, barf bucket or toilet, only to be assaulted shortly after by it making a speedy exit out the other end. That’s right, folks. It’s no longer a choice, it’s a necessity. I only get poisoned when we eat out. And there was a point when we first moved to Washington that I just couldn’t face eating out anymore because I become violently ill everytime we did. We’ve finally found restaurants that don’t poison me, but eating at new restaurants scares me. Eating in Orlando terrifies me.

We met our roommate from college, Tony, for dinner one night. For those of you that don’t know, Steve and I were friends, dating other people then later engaged to other people when we met in 1989. It was a year and a half later when I was looking for a place to live and Steve and Tony were looking for a roommate. It was January when I agreed to move in with them in June. By March, Steve and I had finally started dating which led to a huge complication in everyone’s living arrangements. I laid awake many nights wondering what I was going to do.

On some level, I knew Steve was the one. I even remember the day I realized it. We were invited to a BBQ at the home of his boss, Frank. Frank had a three year old boy. When we walked in the door, Frank’s son shrieked and ran from the back of the house straight at Steve and Steve scooped him up and threw him in the air while the both of them laughed. It was at that exact moment that I knew. I knew he was the one. So this decision to continue with the plans for me to move in might jeopardize this relationship. In the end, Steve and I decided to go ahead with me moving in and if at any point things got weird, I would move back out. I had my own bedroom, so we figured I would have my own space to retreat to if we needed a break. It wasn’t the ideal way to start off a relationship, but on the other hand, we knew each other pretty well by then anyway.

In fact, the three of us; Tony, Steve and I knew each other to the soul. We didn’t just live together, we spent most of our free time together because we all enjoyed each other’s company. Besides Steve, Tony probably knows me better than anyone. And when we get together when travel plans allow, it’s like no time has passed, even though we live so far apart, we have families and our lives are radically different from the days where we played pool all night in the living room and went fishing on the weekends. And the dynamic of our friendship never really changed either. It was always two against one in big arguments that often had us laughing until we cried. One time Steve told me that I had to rub lotion in until it was gone so that it would “go in deeper” and Tony and I mercilessly ridiculed Steve until he was so mad at us he stopped talking to us. In case you were wondering, I brought that argument up again when we saw Tony and Steve got mad all over again. ;D I had to inform Tony’s wife that she better stick up for herself in this crowd.

We ended up going to Fuddrucker’s for dinner with Tony. You wouldn’t believe how hard it was to get a hamburger bun with just cheese and portabella mushroom in between the bread. Sigh. By the time we got home, I realized that my mushrooms and bun must have been cooked on the grill with all the burgers because I was SICK. OMFG. As I was hanging my head over the trash can, Steve told me to just go in the bathroom and get the diarrhea over with. My stomach hurt for three days. Steve saw me holding my stomach the next day and I said “My Fuddrucker’s still hurts.” Sigh.

Last night I got Fuddruckered again and had to walk around Disneyworld bent over clutching my stomach. I swear I don’t know if I’m going to survive this trip. This time it was an Indian restuarant that I’m just shocked I got meat poisoned at. I thought I was safe at an Indian restaurant. I tightened my belt another notch today. Beware of the Fuddruckering.

I’m a native southerner and yet, after being away from the south for so many years, I come back and I’m always surprised all over again. I was in New Orleans in February, so you’d think my amnesia wouldn’t be that bad, but ah yes, it’s shockingly so. Remember I said I starved to death in February? Hello, my name is starving to death again. OMFG. Would you like a side of carbs with your meat? Tonight I sat down at dinner and asked the waiter what vegetarian dishes he had. I shit you not he said “Well salmon is about the closest thing we have.” I looked up because I thought he was kidding. When I realized he was not, I had to work to control my temper. I said tightly “I don’t eat meat or seafood. What do you have without that?” Turns out all he’s got is mushy, unrecognizable vegetables. Apparently they haven’t heard of veggies raw or crunchy? Tofu? What is that? Ma’am, the only vegetable we serve is iceberg lettuce. We might be able to find a tomato and cucumber if we try hard.

I am so effin’ hungry I’m about to gnaw off my own arms.  And I have a thing about iceberg lettuce. I can’t eat it. You know how some people get morning sickness when pregnant? Well with son #2, I spent nine months puking 12-15 times a day. That’s right folks, every couple of hours for nine freakin months. I threw up during childbirth. Pregnancy doesn’t agree with me. And for some reason, the look, smell or taste of iceberg lettuce, even if the food just SAT ON TOP OF iceberg lettuce, caused a vicious vomiting attack. And although 6.5 years have passed, I still can not eat iceberg lettuce. I actually still gag on it. Which it truly unfortunate because in the south, iceberg lettuce is the only lettuce they know. And the hungrier I get, the angrier I get. We worked out tonight and that only made me hungrier. And angrier.

So please, dear internet, send me some food. Because I’m starving to death. Or someone tell me where you can get vegetables in Cocoa Beach. When I was in New Orleans, I would go down to Cafe du Monde in the morning, eat a couple of beignets and be able to survive the day. There are no beignets here. I might have to start killing people. ;D

Do I look like poultry missing it’s head? We leave for Florida tomorrow. I’m convinced I’m just running around without me head……Talk to you all after I get me self to the East……..Hey, I even talk like a chicken…..or a pirate…..either way, things not good……..

Had to take son #2 to the doctor today. I was concerned he was hitting puberty. He’s grown 4 inches and put on 10 pounds in the last year. He’s got pimples on his arms and cheeks. He suddenly can do push-ups like a man and lately he’s developed… mutant, rampant BO. Yes, he’s six and has eye watering BO. Do you even PUT deoderant on a six year old, I wondered? The pediatrician checked him out and thinks that for now, he’s just going to call him a six year old with some wicked body odor. However we’re supposed to keep an eye out for pubic hair and pimples in the T-zone. Are ya’ kiddin’ me?!?! Oh. My. God. Cuz that’s all I need. But for now, the diagnosis is just stink.

You’re old now! Notice I didn’t say “older.” It’s because you’ve now joined the ranks of old, falling apart, things don’t work, people.

I’m sittin’ here at my computer, minding my own business, eating a cracker as I go through my daily blog readings. And I get to my friend, Susan’s blog, and when I read her entry, my mouth fell open, cracker fell out my mouth, and I almost fell out my chair.

It’s because I discovered that not only does Susan naked cook, she BLOGGED that she naked cooked and well, she burned her business naked cooking. Now this concerns me on multiple levels, besides the obvious burn factor. The first thought that crossed my mind is “How often does she naked cook?’ Because Dear God, I’ve eaten her cookies. Were those cookies naked cooked? How many meals and snacks have I eaten from her house that were naked cooked? She so nonchalantly referred to this naked cooking that it can NOT be the first time. Clearly the novelty of naked cooking has worn off to the point that she does not realize the horror of naked cooking?

So obviously, I have to marshal the forces and get all our friends involved. (It’s not like I’m telling a secret here, Susan, YOU BLOGGED IT! It’s fair game!) So I sent out an email informing the public that Susan naked cooks. Susan defended herself with the following:

Some points in my defense:

1. I wasn’t cooking naked. I was merely removing a pan of delicious cookies from the oven before they burned.

2. Pot, have you met the kettle? I seem to remember you having a very similar injury when you were living here. And yes I laughed at the time. I’m not laughing now.

3. (This is the best point of all) What one of you guys (sorry ladies) wouldn’t love to have your spouse, girlfriend, etc. Serve you fresh, hot, delicious cookies while naked? Ok, some of you girls might like that treatment too.

4. I did not rub up against the food, and my hands were clean since I had just finished showering.

5. The cookies were cleaner than those cooked with clothes on since there was no lint, dust, dirt, or thread that could have fallen on them. That’s one of the reasons they make you get naked when you’re having surgery.

6. I was conserving energy since I was doing all my consumption of resources at non peak hours.

How can you argue against cleanliness (we know your fanatacism about it) and energy conservation (you are a self proclaimed tree hugger)?

Because we were watching TV and I saw a commercial for the iPhone and said “Oh cool!” He’s really ticked. “You NEVER say any electronics are cool! How could you say something APPLE is cool?!?!” Then I went on to say “Well you can touch the screen and stuff!” This only angered him further. Now he’s on an anti-apple campaign. My iTunes crashed and he said “See?!? All things Apple suck…” LOL. Never offend a PC geek with a Mac compliment. You’ll never hear the end of it.