I’m sittin’ here at my computer, minding my own business, eating a cracker as I go through my daily blog readings. And I get to my friend, Susan’s blog, and when I read her entry, my mouth fell open, cracker fell out my mouth, and I almost fell out my chair.

It’s because I discovered that not only does Susan naked cook, she BLOGGED that she naked cooked and well, she burned her business naked cooking. Now this concerns me on multiple levels, besides the obvious burn factor. The first thought that crossed my mind is “How often does she naked cook?’ Because Dear God, I’ve eaten her cookies. Were those cookies naked cooked? How many meals and snacks have I eaten from her house that were naked cooked? She so nonchalantly referred to this naked cooking that it can NOT be the first time. Clearly the novelty of naked cooking has worn off to the point that she does not realize the horror of naked cooking?

So obviously, I have to marshal the forces and get all our friends involved. (It’s not like I’m telling a secret here, Susan, YOU BLOGGED IT! It’s fair game!) So I sent out an email informing the public that Susan naked cooks. Susan defended herself with the following:

Some points in my defense:

1. I wasn’t cooking naked. I was merely removing a pan of delicious cookies from the oven before they burned.

2. Pot, have you met the kettle? I seem to remember you having a very similar injury when you were living here. And yes I laughed at the time. I’m not laughing now.

3. (This is the best point of all) What one of you guys (sorry ladies) wouldn’t love to have your spouse, girlfriend, etc. Serve you fresh, hot, delicious cookies while naked? Ok, some of you girls might like that treatment too.

4. I did not rub up against the food, and my hands were clean since I had just finished showering. ;)

5. The cookies were cleaner than those cooked with clothes on since there was no lint, dust, dirt, or thread that could have fallen on them. That’s one of the reasons they make you get naked when you’re having surgery.

6. I was conserving energy since I was doing all my consumption of resources at non peak hours.

How can you argue against cleanliness (we know your fanatacism about it) and energy conservation (you are a self proclaimed tree hugger)? ;-)

And in typical, predictable fashion, the men were all about being served cookies naked. I should also point out that I do not cook naked. She clearly has me confused with someone else. And I guarantee you I would NEVER, EVER, EVER want cookies served to me with ole’ Johnson flopping around. Has Susan lost her damn mind?! My darling husband responded:

I have to admit, you had me at #3. Helen, please make the necessary arrangements.

YES, he’s getting cookies with ex-lax baked into them immediately. I asked who wanted a side of….hair……with their cookies since the men were clearly intent now on the idea of naked cooking. The only husband with an iota of sense replied:

Fast food cooks are required to wear hair-nets to keep stray hairs out of the food. So I hope you were wearing a hair-net on your head along with however many additional strategically placed nets would be needed to cover up any/all such outcroppings of fur. Or are you suggesting that only a single net on your head would be necessary to successfully mask all your plumage (wink, wink, nudge, nudge).

He’s not getting ex-lax cookies, but he might be getting slapped over trying to find out whether Susan has a Brazilian wax or not. Susan claimed that her wet head of hair was all slicked back and not in the cookies and refused to wear a hair net on her nethers. There was also some debate about whether a hair net was actually needed. The conversation degenerated further over Susan, who is a nurse, pointing out that you are naked when they do surgery on you. There was a lot of debate over this until I pointed out that only the cookies should be naked, while certain people insisted the doctors were naked too. Ok, all our friends have a few screws loose and arguments often turn to the completely unrealistic and borderline insane….Mostly due to Susan’s husband, but that’s another story altogether. ;) But alas, once again they have tried to distract me from the fact that SUSAN COOKS NAKED! ;) And I ask you, dear internet, am I THE ONLY ONE WHO FINDS NAKED COOKING UNACCEPTABLE?!?!  ;)