I forgot where I was going with this….

Last night all the baseball managers had to give a presentation to the parents of our teams. I had my power point presentation neatly printed out. While waiting for the meeting to start, one of the other managers was flipping through my presentation lamenting how long it had taken him to do his. When he got to the page where my coaching staff was listed, his jaw dropped and he pratically yelled “WHAT?!!?! THAT IS SO UNFAIR!!!” I grinned an evil grin, leaned forward and whispered, “When you’re a chick manager, ALL the dads want to volunteer to help coach.” Tee Hee.

It’s whatever wednesday again. For those of you playing for the first time, note that you do not have to answer all the questions that came before you. Only the one right before you. And we still play past Wednesday so don’t assume you’re “too late.” Please remember to leave a question for the next commenter.

Whatever Wednesday rules: Answer the question left by the person before you and leave a question for the next person. Play as many times as you wish. Anything goes. And it doesn’t have to be Wednesday to play.

If, growing up, you could have been the next elite athlete in any sport (think Tiger Woods) in what sport would it have been and why?

My children have always been one of the last kids in their classes to lose their teeth. And for some reason, I have complete amnesia about son #1 losing his front teeth.

Son #2 is now at the age where all the kids are losing their front teeth. And all the parents are complaining about the disgusting, loose front teeth that hang there, then slowly migrate around in the mouth until it is sticking straight out like a buck tooth from hell, or overlapping the other front tooth.

A couple of months ago I heard a dad telling his son that the front tooth HAD to come out THAT DAY because it looked terrible. And I told the child to smile at me and he grins and his front tooth is all bucktooth and turned. I screamed with laughter. Dad muttered “Not funny. Hideous.” And I laughed for the next 10 minutes and every time I saw this child until that tooth finally came out weeks later. I laughed because I had no recollection of this happening with son #1 and was absolutely positive this sort of thing would not happen to me. Until……. son #2 developed what is heretofore known as THE HILLBILLY TOOTH. It’s horrible. And I have found myself saying repeatedly, “SON! That tooth HAS GOT to come out NOW!” And he has taken to just sticking the tooth out and smiling to torture me. And in case you think it can’t possibly be that bad, let me introduce you to the hillbilly tooth:

Ah yes, folks, this is the punishment one receives for laughing at another parent’s pain. It is also commonly known as KARMA. Oh yeah, keep laughing, you will get yours too….

Because Karma is a biotch.

Son #2 is sitting in Steve’s lap when Steve suddenly shoves him off and says “THAT’S RUDE!!” Son #2 says innocently “What?” Steve sternly says ” We DO NOT fart on people!” To which son #2 innocently asks “You tell them first?”

I’m trying something new today. It’s called horizontal blogging. I chose this new style of blogging because laying down is so much better than sitting  up. Also because every time I sit up, I get dizzy and want to throw up. I haven’t had the flu since the early 90’s when I was working in a high school and they made me get a flu shot. Which gave me the flu every flippen year.  They used the live virus back in those days. Consequently I’ve refused to get a flu shot ever since and I’ve done fine thankyouverymuch.

Until last Friday. I was feeling smug and triumphant because for 2 weeks I had managed to avoid the illness that had taken out the rest of the family. Then last Friday I started sneezing hard enough to blow off the top of my head. And then my hose nose started to run. OMYGAWD, did it run. By Saturday I woke up as a gargoyle. I had one eye partially swollen shut, a Rudolph red nose, and sinus pain so bad in my face and teeth, I could barely move. Moving my eyes was so painful. As soon as I stood up, I think the top of my head did explode, cuz Holy Shiites it hurt. Steve had also taken a turn for the worst. To illustrate how much pain I was in, I AGREED TO GO TO THE ER! ‘Member I said I wouldn’t go unless I was unconscious or dying? Well lemme tell you, the pain was so bad, death would have been welcome. Lemme just say though at this point? Had the ER docs actually done their jobs and tested us for the flu? I might be sitting upright right now and not wished I were dead all week. Steve and I just got sicker and sicker. And by Tuesday we had a doctor come out to the house because neither of us could sit upright. THIS doctor recognized the signs and tested us for flu. Well, she tested Steve while I looked on in horror as she shoved a giant Q tip 6 inches into his nose. I looked at her and told her I was going to throw up on her if she did that to me. He tested positive immediately. Excpet by this time it was too late for Tamaflu. Oh and if you were wondering? Steve had a flu shot this year. Which makes me giggle. Stupid, useless flu shots I HATE THEM!

So here I lay, laptop burning a hole in my lap, eyeballs moving painfully in their sockets, and feeling like I might throw up on you. Comments left unanswered, kleenex shoved into each nostil, and all I can do is hope that tomorrow might be the day I can sit up. I haven’t forgotten about you dear internetz, I’m just trying to keep from throwing up or passing out. Oh which reminds me, Steve has never passed out before so he didn’t recognize the signs, and when the world went black, he tried to stumble blindly around the kitchen and ran into cabinets like a bumper car until he fell down. Then he decided to lay there awhile hoping someone would find him. Son #2 eventually did, however did not find it odd to wake up and find Daddy on the kitchen floor. He stood over Steve’s carcass and proceeded to prattle on and on about dragons and swords, never wondering WHY Daddy was on the floor. lol. I have instructed him for future reference that it is NOT normal to find people on the kitchen floor and it would probably be a good idea to come get me next time.

We are pathetically sick over here. So send some well vibes our way, people. I desperately want to feel better!

Ya’ll, Still SOOOOO sick! You all play by yourselves until I’m better. I’m too sick to cook so you’ll have to eat cereal… Oh wait, that’s the kids I’m thinking of….

Whatever Wednesday rules: Answer the question left by the person before you and leave a question for the next person. Play as many times as you wish. Anything goes. And it doesn’t have to be Wednesday to play.

Kickoff Question: Have you ever fainted? Sorry. It’ all I can come up with. Steve passed out on the kitchen floor this morning with this same illness. It’s BAD.

People: The sickness got me. Oh did it get me. Been to the ER already. This is the sickest I’ve been in more than a decade. I’ll be back to answer all your comments when I can sit upright for longer than 15 seconds.

Peace,

Helen

Steve came through. AND they were pink…..He really does listen! I love you, Honey!

Do you have magical elves with a magical flippen’ forest in your house too? I’m somewhat suspicious because socks have been disappearing for years. But I long ago resigned myself to the fact that the magical elves who steal one sock and disappear into the magical forest were figments of our imagination. That Narnia does not exist on the other side of my dryer.

However the kids? OMFG. Do your kids drop something on the floor then scream at the top of their lungs “It’s LOOOOOSSSSSSSSTTTTTTT!!!!!!” Because honestly? It that happens. one. more. time. I’m going to freak. the. frick. out! Because in the last twenty four hours: something was dropped in the car and howling about it’s lostness ensued for the next fifteen minutes. Where I’m locked in a small space with screaming so loud it was causing my ears to bleed. Followed by: Oh. Then? Something was dropped on the floor by the couch and I had to listen to 30 minutes of screaming and sobbing about it being lost. Then? Something was dropped on the way up the stairs and all hell broke loose as a magical elf made off with it and disappeared into the magic forest. Son #1’s tongue scraper disappeared into Narnia yesterday so he threw a tantrum about it. My seven year old melted down 4 times in the last hour over things he dropped and I tell you. I’ve now lost my damn mind. Because I heard myself shout “THERE IS NO DAMN MAGICAL FOREST HERE! IT DID NOT DISAPPEAR! THERE IS NO “LOST” ABOUT IT! A BLACK VORTEX DID NOT OPEN UP IN THE FLOOR AND SWALLOW IT! OPEN YOUR EYES AND LOOK DOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” God, help me. And if I finally catch one of those damn magical elves? I’m tying that sucker onto the back of my truck and dragging it around the neighborhood until a dog finally gets it and eats it. No really, I’m fine. Totally fine. ;D If you don’t hear from me again, it’s cuz I fell into the black vortex that leads to Narnia. Whereby I found a kingdom made entirely of socks and my children’s things……oh and that diamond earring that was stolen by the Lucky Charms guy back in 1992.

Ok, for the first time ever, I have to take a post down. Almost as soon as I posted it, I received a comment that made it necessary to remove the post.

Girls, tell me about red roses. Do ya love them or hate them? Dudes, what do you think about red roses? Big sigh here. Guys think that the red rose means love. They’ve been giving them to chicks since junior high and will continue to give them no matter what the girl says. Girls, how many times have you said “I hate red roses. They’re so played. So…high school prom.” And we have this conversation with you men several times a year. We very precisely tell you how much we LOVE pink/white/yellow/purple/anycolorbutred/peach and then you send….red roses. Because any other color would mean you don’t love us? But not listening to us ALSO means you don’t love us. Not remembering that pale pink roses makes me go weak in the knees means you weren’t listening. So the debate goes on: Don’t send me roses. I sent you red roses. Don’t send me roses. BUT RED ROSES MEAN LOVE!

Ladies, what color roses did you get? Men, what color did you send?

A veritable link orgy….

*Start Copy Here*

You do not have to be tagged to play along. This game is simple and so are the rules.

1. Copy from *Start Copy Here* through *End Copy Here*

2. Add your site(s) to the list. Just be sure to post at each site you add.

3. Tag or don’t tag, your choice, however, the more tags you create the bigger the list will grow.

4. Let me know your blog’s name and url by leaving me a comment HERE. I will add you to the master list. (If you would like a scroll box code, leave me your email address and I will email it to you.) Scroll Box Example. (I decided not to use the box for the Big Bang for ease of copying.)

5. Come back and copy the master list back to your site, often. This process will allow late-comers to get as much link benefit as the first ones in. Once you are on the master list people who have participated earlier will update their bookmarks and help everyone lower than them out on the list.

1-Attitude, the Ultimate Power 2-Juliana’s Site 3-Rusin Roundup 4-Grow Rich Along With Me 5-Comedy Plus 6-lynda’s loft 7-Amel’s Realm 8-MAX 9-Speedcat Hollydale 10-Mariuca 11-Complain Complain Complain 12-Mariuca’s Perfume Gallery 13-Life Is A Roller Coaster 14-Sugar Queen’s Dream 15-First Time Dad 16-Life 17-My Life 18-The Painted Veil 19-My Thoughts 20-DatCurious.com 21-Little Aussie Cynic 22-A Nice Place in the Sun 23-DatMoney.com 24-The Down Side OF Up 25-Ladyjava’s Lounge 26-Cat Tales 27-moms…..check nyo 28-Colorado Baby 29-It’s a Woman’s World 30-ENLIGHTENED BITS 31-My View of “It” 32-My Reviews and Finds Along the Way 33-Our Hep Chat 34-Rantings of a Woman 35-The Callalily Space 36-Mom Knows Everything 37-Hazel 38-Chronicles and Tales Unlimited (RED) 39-From the Mouth of Jabber Jaws 40-Sunny Side Up Foodie & Lifestyle 41-Carmel Corn 42-Daily Stock Picks 43-The Whole New World 44-Wifespeak 45-Slavery Bliss 46-Rooms of My Heart 47-Unpredictable Life 48-My Life, My World 49- At Your Service 50-All About Ebay 51-Everything Amazon 52-Turn On, Tune In, Drop Out 53-My So-Called Site 54-New Wife Blog 55-Tendre Poison 323 56-Nick’s Bytes 57-My Scratch Pad 58-Choc Mint Girl 59-Life Is Just Around the Corner… 60-Amori, poseia, art… virtuali by Hanna 61-Maryannaville 62-monaco - monaco’s 63-Nyumix’s Blog 64-read my mind - my keyboard monologues 65-Shower You Children With Love - The Right Way 66-Secret Agent Mama 67-Pinaymama’s Diary 68-Answers to the Questions 69-Work of the Poet 70-A Total Blog 71-My life, my hope, my future 72-NORTE 73-A Window to Our World 74-Life as a Mom 75-FIELD OF DREAMS 76-lisgold 77-See Me for What You 78-Caught in The Stream 79-Pinay Mommy Online - My Home 80-foster me up 81-CRUEL VIRGIN 82-Garden of Moments in Blog 83-So Cute 84-Love Everlasting 85-WeLcOmE To My CriB 86-WELCOM TO PINAYSMILE’S JOURNEY 87-Ice’s Icelog 88-Jenny’s Wandering Thoughts 89-Hobbies and Such 90-Sweet Paradise 91-Mommy’s Gibble Gabbles 92-Rusin Review’s 93-My Small World 94-Little Peanut 95-Online Ramblings 96-My Mood My Feeling 97-BLOG it with ALLEN 98-Entertainment World 99-Let’s Go Singapore 100-Firelynx 101-Catsy Carpe Diem 102-Every Beat Of My Heart 103-Always Da Fresh Princess 104-Listening.. 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Hate me 234-Everyday health and beauty 235-BLOGANDO & ANDANDO 236-Memoirs.:*CRoSs mY hEARt*:. 237-The Chic Shopaholic 238-CK Go Places 239-Red Empress: Hell Flavored, Taste like Valentine 240-QUEENBEE 241-Le bric a brac de Cherie 242-jaqqq in the blogs 243-Bijoux & Banter 244-When Silence Speaks 245-MadTomatoe’s Blogging Tools and Widgets 246-Conceptis addict 247-Madamoiselle 248-My Wooden Robot Blog 249-A Simple Life 250-It’s a dog’s life 251-A Technocrat’s Blog 252-Misty’s Words 253-My Dogs Keep Me Sane 254-New England Lighthouse Treasures 255-NoDirectOn (not: NoDirection) 256-Additional BlogLOve 257-I am DZOI 258-Caroland’s Breathtaking Adventure 259-Blur Ting 260-Rojoy’s Daily Update 261-Down River Drivel 262-Momhood Moments 263-Real World Mom 264-REALWORLDMOMUNPLUGGED’S WEBLOG 265-Lucca D Jiwa 266-AngrianiWorld 267-Marketing•Review 268-sejuk sesangat 269-Everything and then Some….. 270-Gbex…reachingOut 271-Heart of Rachel 272-The working mom / Finding balance… 273-Madamoiselle ver.2 274-Latest Keyword 275-Tanny’s Blog 276-Pay to Review 277-Happy Life 278-Pet Haven 279-Teratak Nurani 280- A Melhor Novela de Todos os Tempos do Último Verão 281-TYNIE World 282-Wanmus’s Blog-get cheapest web hosting 283-mokkikunta 284-BLOGHIT, POLIBLOG, TOP TOPICS 285-none of your business 286-Expat Travels 287-The Poor Mouth 288-GIRLIEGEEK.ORG 289-Tau Tau 290-Points of View 291-kimf3’s Blog 292-Bing-My Treasures 293-Everything Green 294-The Pipeline Fixation 295-~Menempuh Arus Masa-Life-Photography~ 296-Pea in a Pod 297-{Me and Mine} 298-Beblan Anak Tukang Jahit 299-How Bourgeois 300-Julie’s Blog 301-Emphbone 302-Simply the Best 303-Euroangel Graffiti 304-My Daily Nourishment 305-the worldwideweb addict 306-(¯`·._.· PalavraS ArticuladaS ·._.·´¯) 307-The Big Life 308-Wild Borneo 309-Failure is the Key to Success 310-The muxic box’s memories 311-What Goes Under the Sun 312-Cronaca di Gatteo 313-Angelika’s other blog 314-So Real 315-Jaque 18 316-Overtime 317-When Life Becomes a Book 318-On the Bricks 319-Central Perk New York 320-The Simple Life of a Baghag 321-BlogBlast For Peace: The Official Site 322-Miss Cellania 323-Miss C Recommends 324-homeschooling.teacherjulie.com 325-belolats.com 326-The Original Blue Ribbon Bloggers 327-No nonsense Internet Tips 328-Its Not a Weekend; Its a Lifestyle 329-myfavehangout.com (Rich Valla) 330-Blog District 331-Official Travel Guide 332-EMJEI SAYS 333-www dot project rasso dot org 334-Work At Home Opportunities 335- VirusHead 336-Gracie de Guzman 337-Jollyjo 338-Jollyjo.tv 339-Ev Nucci’s THE CAREER STRATEGIST 340-Ev Nucci’s Resource Economics..Grease your brain 341-MARKETING MYSELF 342-NORTE 343-ACROSS THIS BRIDGE 344-STRUGGLING PARENTS 345-Read Between the Lines 346-Internet Lifestyle 347-THE SLEEPING TURTLE ART GALLERY 348-HIDUP BIAR SEDAP 349-BLOG ABOUT RICH 350-7101 Islands 351-Binding Ink III by Ndp the Poetress 352-mutiara hati 353-GreenBucks 354-Istilo Pinoy 355-Sweet and Complex Living 356-Angelika 357-my thoughts in writing 358-sharingplatform 359-Just the way it is… 360-LUCID CREATIVITY (Nelle-MyVirtualWorld) 361-TEACHERJULIE.COM 362-Bits and Pieces 363-Confessions Of A Breathing Tote Bag 364-My Joys 365-Fiction Earth 366-… My Precious … 367-MY VIEWS ON MY SO CALLED LIFE 368-A Reality Bite 369-Cobb Community 370-Angelea’s Blog 371-Janeth Vicy’s Life Journey 372-NinaRepublic 373-Peaceful Mind 374-ME, MYSELF + 2 375-Mommy Jane and Little Sophia’s Fasion misADVENTURES 376-ONKNEES - ITS NOT WHAT YOU THINK….. 377-SHEENISM 378-SAILIN’ THRU LIFE (ASecretPlace) 379-Project Management Tutorial 380-Labindalawang Piraso ng Kokomban 381-Gorgeous Traveller 382-Sharing Gifts and Ideas 383-MUMBLINGS 384-Because Life Is Fun 385-PsychPatient MD 386-Everything Is Free 387-BRAINY MOMMY 388-Simply Unique 389-precious moments 390-Pearly Scripts 391-LIGHTNING AND THUNDER 392-Rayani Friends 393-WORK CULTURE 394-Psychology 395-Gold News 396-Applied Psychology 397-Scientific Psychology 398-Backwoods Drifter 399-New Beginning 400-Life in General 401-Life Is Like That (That’s Life) 402-Life With Roxxymetal 403-SEXY MOMMA 404-The Z Files 405-I’ll Never Forget the Day I Read a Book! 406-DOODLE PAGE 407-Escape Hatch 408-The Official Afterslaughter Weblog 409-Mommy’s Little Corner 410-MALTED MONKEY 411-MOM AND THE CITY 412-Life with the Two Crazy Dogs 413-the joys (and pains) of being a woman (My Untamed World) 414-Making Cents-Sense of Technology 415-USER GAME REVIEWS 416-Write Shy 417-DOMANTYS.net 418-ZWANG 419-ANYTHING GOES! (my world, my place, my views…!) 420-Matt’s blog (World of Insanity) 421-Lifestyle chronicles 422-The Alien Next Door 423-CMAQUEST 424-The Mascot 425-NARUTO ADDICT MANIA 426-Friendster Layouts 427-borneo tatoo…the original body ink 428-DOMANTIX 429-CULTURED SHOCK 430-EuWorx 431-HUBPRIME 432-STAR SURFACE 433-MY KALEIDOSCOPE WORLD 434-luckycharms 435-John’s Blog - Maybe I Am Joking? 436-NEW WORDPRESS THEMES 437-WEB VIDEO HITS 438-TOP MUSIC VIDEOS 439-TEXT MESSAGES 440-Homemade Haven 441-TAGMEMEAWARD CAT 442-Coriander Dreams 443-BrainLoops 444-Soul Meets World 445-Speak The Speech 446-The Tall Poppy 447-My Day Off 448-Internet Business Promotions and Opportunities 449-Gage’s World 450-PIXY ROSE 451-John’s Cynical Blog 452-Poliblog 453-Techcheck 454-RoseateMarketingTips.com 455-RUSTYGANGSTER 456-Napaboaniya’s Music Videos 457-EZINE PRIME 458-Prime Scrolls 459-FactMundo: World of Facts 460-CHAE 461-GOLDFINGER 462-OnlineBiz and Resources 463-ASTRO GALAXY TRAVEL 464-The Singapore Housewife 465-Climate of Our Future 466-Anorexic Queen 467-Eleanoreblog 468-Turnip of Power 469-Old Life 470-Shiphire Dustbin 471-POSTCARD HEADLINES 472-crazyblog 473-V.Col 474-Simple Life, Simply Me 475-Rasso Photoblog 476-Bagwine Ruminations 477-The Travel Bug 478-Short Stories 479-OPENGIGA TECH 480-Yogatta Dot Com 481-Net Diary of Rasal 482-WORDPRESS MEME 483-divaness 484-Thinking Tunnel 485-My decisions, my mistakes, my feelings, my LIFE 486-E-News (Gossip, Scandals, Movies, Music, etc) 487-FRAPPUCINO JOWN 488-MAYBELLE DOODLES 489-And the Legend Lives 490-In His Time - Endless Frontier 491-Travels in Time 492-Money Making Reports 493-MY HAPPY PLACE 494-The M&M Online BloG 495-Carol’s Corner 496-Individual@Home 497-Confessions of a Social Climber 498-Moderately-Confused Pinay In Deutschland 499-BLOGSILOG 500-DigiScrapz: Captured Memories 501-Cherry’s Comfort Zone 502-Thinking Out Loud 503-Wishing and Hoping 504-Jobs for Davao 505-Jobs for Abroad 506-PRC Exam Results 507-Wish Washy 508-Captains bridge 509 Colourrain 510 Modus Vivendi 511-Our Hep Chat 512- I forgot where I was going with this

*End Copy Here*

Remember the movie Indecent Proposal? Where a couple is approached by a millionaire willing to pay a million dollars for one night with the wife? There are people who believe that everyone has a price. And it’s probably true. Look at the reality shows like fear factor. I don’t care how much you paid me, I wouldn’t stand in a container full of roaches for any amount of money. No. Flippen’. Way. Tarantulas? Yeah. Snakes? Yeah. Roaches? Hell no.

So this Wednesday’s food for thought is do you think you can be bought? What if Angelina Jolie or Matt Damon wanted to spend a night with you for millions of dollars and your spouse gave the ok. Would you do it?…..Ok I’m back. Sorry. I drifted out for a bit after I said something about a night with Matt Damon…..Where were we? Ah yes. Money. Matt Damon. Really, where is the downside here? ;D

Whatever Wednesday rules: Answer the question left by the person before you and leave a question for the next person. Play as many times as you wish. Anything goes. And it doesn’t have to be Wednesday to play.

Steve called me on the way home to complain about the tough day he’d had. I said “Look Buddy, it wasn’t all kittens and roses here!” To which he said “You don’t even know. You don’t have to hire and fire people and interview them and go to meetings…… It was an exhausting day.” I made a face at him through the phone and hung up shortly after.

Twenty minutes after getting home I find him in the kitchen, with a panicked look on his face and he says “I wanna go back to work! I’d rather be hiring and firing….Can I go back to work?” I angrily snapped at him “No you can’t. Now get them some milk and shut the hell up before I kill you. Ten hours of this, Baby! Just. Shut. The. Hell. Up.”

Dear Children,

Can I say how glad I am that you’re both feeling better today? Because now that you’re both upright and vocal, I am just SO pleased. Son #2, I really appreciate the fact that you can now walk over and sneeze and cough on me as opposed to only when I came near you. And your brother and I both really appreciate your attempts to wipe snot on us. Son #1, I want to thank you for walking over to my lunch, saying “What’s this?” and then coughing into it. Because I needed to lose a few pounds anyway. I love that you two are now able to scream and fight too. Because I was really worried about that. I was worried you might never be able to argue, bicker, or complain about each other again. What a relief. And high pitched shrieks followed by a long, drawn out, MOOOOOOMMMMMM always makes me grateful for having given birth.

I want to thank you both for making sure that every single time I’ve tried to sit down for the last 9 hours, you two have had some sort of demand: I want more water/ I want medicine/ I’m going to barf/ Take this/ I need a blanket/ I want food/ I want ice cream/ change the channel/ hand me whatever is three inches from where I’m sitting/ I need kleenex/ I’m bored.

I appreciate that you, son #2, are demanding I walk into the other room and hand you something that’s 12 inches away from you on the table. Son #1, I’m really grateful for your stopped-up nose that is making you chew noisely with your mouth open. 

I am grateful for the opportunity to serve as the household butler. I remember always wanting to be one of those when I grew up. I also like that you cry if I won’t jump to attention within 15 seconds for lack of having four sets of hands.

Kids, this has been a real pleasure today. I can’t WAIT to get up and do it all again tomorrow. Glad to see you’re feeling better and you two haven’t let a silly thing like pneumonia get in the way.

Love,

Mom

I am wearing a holster. I’m prepared for battle. I got alcohol in a spray bottle in one holster and Purell in the other. I’m enhancing my super powers with 4,000 mg of vitamin C daily. The enemy is invisible to the naked eye. But I know they’re there. Lurking. Trying to get me. The enemy has attacked all the other members of the household and completely taken them down. But. I. Will. Defeat. Them!!! The only surviving member of my platoon, Antibiotic, has gone in alone. It’s mortal hand-to-hand combat. And I wait. I see danger around every corner. I attack. Using my chemical weapons. I. Will. Not. Be. Defeated.

WordPress has a cool new feature called summarize more. It summarizes recent stats for search terms. Upon examining mine, I feel like somehow I’m misrepresented…or that I should be disturbed, because? Um, look:

Some suprising search term stats: 
Envy Phone: 1,959
Bathe me rant: 1,050
Naked Cooking: 500
Satanism: 101
Rolfing: 86
Catholic Guilt: 82
Halloween Sex: 67
Smartass: 62
Devil Sex: 58
Tit massage: 55

I have no idea how this happened. I hardly EVER naked cook while talking on my envy phone, while ranting about being bathed during my satan worship at which time I’ve been known to have devil sex, but only when it’s Halloween sex and they give tit massages during rolfing which gives me terrible Catholic guilt. And I am NEVER, EVER a smartass. This is just SO surprising! ;D

I take an echo-cardio stress test and am told I’ve got the fitness level of someone much, much younger. I hadn’t even started running before I passed the average for my age. I take the Wii fitness test and I have a fitness age of 65. Someone PULEEZ tell me what’s wrong with this picture?!?!

Speaking of youth, when I was taking my Hapkido belt test, my judge thought I was a teenager. I thought the guy was blind or on crack until this weekend when I came out of sparring class and the mother of a teenage boy in my class thought I was his age. I guess I’m REALLY getting some mileage out of that $50 I spent on wrinkle cream. Or more people than I thought are blind crack addicts. lol.

Regardless, only those WII LIARS think I am old. Biotches!

So after posting the ten commandments of marriage Moses Steve decided to get all mouthy in the comment section whereby he decided he was going to leave the toilet seat up from now on due to a hokey mathmatical formula he developed. Observe:

1. Let’s do the the math on this people. While I will buy that women need seat down 100% of the time, although I think men need it down closer to 25% of the time. Now you must factor in that the population of our household is 75% men and 25% women, so 25% of the people need the seat down 100% of the time while 75% need it down only 25%. 25% of 100 plus 75% of 25 equals 43.75. I’ll even give you .25%, so we find that only 44% of bathroom trips require the seat turned down. Majority rules, as you say, so in our household that means SEAT UP!

My reply was:

Steve- I called a locksmith and changed the locks. You will only be admitted to the house 44% of the time.

Enter the finger of God. Last night when he went outside to feed the dogs, I locked him out and posted a sticky note to the door that said:

Payback, you Biotch!

I haven’t been able to blog on Fridays because I am in school on Fridays. ‘Member I said a long time ago that my biggest regret in life was not sticking with my art degree? I decided to start taking art classes again. Consequently, I’m gone all day on Fridays and can’t blog. Actually I’m blogging this on Thursday so it’s ready for Friday.

ANYWAY. Since I’m not here, you guys get to play the Friday game. Here’s how it goes. Remember the movie Dances with Wolves? It’s ok if you don’t, you can still catch on. In our house we do a funny thing based on that movie. We often give people what we think their Indian name would be. So my oldest child’s Indian name would be Runs with Scissors. When our youngest was little he had a speech delay and therefore screamed a LOT. His Indian name was Screams like Banshee. Get the picture? I will select a person or group of persons and you are assigned the task of creating their Indian names. Anything goes. Steve and I entertain ourselves endlessly with this game. Be creative! And it’s ok if the game goes on past Friday. So this week’s group of people are our presidential candidates: Hilary Clinton, Barak Obama, John McCain, or Mike Huckabee. So for example, Hilary’s Indian names could be: Weeps like Ninny, Voice that Caterwauls, or Lies like Rug. Go ahead. I know you can do better than me….

Not too long ago I read an article on the ten commandments of a happy marriage, which I found to be sorely lacking in realism once you’ve been married a long time. I wish I could remember where I read that so that you too could mock it’s pure fantasy. I’m convinced it was written by a Catholic priest in the throes of Willy Wonka’s grasp. You’ll just have to trust me that the advice was totally crap. I’ve decided to list for you here the REAL ten commandments for a happy marriage. All wives should feel free to post this at the front door.

1. Thou shalt always put the toilet seat down. I’ve heard the argument that women should just put it down. However, statistically speaking, the toilet seat should be down. Women need it down 100% of the time. Men need it down about 35% of the time. Therefore, approximately 82% of the time, the toilet seat needs to be in the down position which far outweighs your 18% of the time in the up position. Majority rules. And if that isn’t enough, see commandment #3. If you actually obeyed commandment #3 we wouldn’t complain so much about commandment #1.

2. Thou shalt always pick up thy dirty underwear. Oh. Mah. Gawd. Ya’ll. I think husbands are convinced that’s there is some magical elf, strongly resembling the Lucky Charms guy, that comes along and whisks away their nasties. Wives, I recommend kicking it under bed until they run out. At that point, there’s a good chance they’ll bring you at least one pair a few days after they run out to be washed. Or. They’ll go buy themselves new underwear. Either way, we win.

3. Thou shalt look where you are peeing and always pee INTO the toilet with the lid UP no matter how dark it is/tired you are/tall you are.  You’d think this would be obvious, but alas, it’s not. I’m convinced that with three boys in the house, they enter the bathroom, throw back a cape and in their best medieval voice announce “Hark there, Toilet! I pee in your general direction!” And then let it fly without regard to wind direction nor location.

4. Thou shalt remember that thoust is ALWAYS wrong. Really a key point here. Please refer to commandment #4 when in doubt about anything.

5. Thou shalt not repeatedly forget to take out the trash after you are asked. Or, in medical terms, Chore Amnesia. Thou shalt not develop Chore Amnesia.

6. Thou shalt not buy pets allegedly for the children and then leave thy wife to care for said pets. All new pets shall be sacrificed at the kitchen table unless cared for by the member of the family responsible for bringing said pet into the house. That’s why thy wives ALWAYS SAY NO.

7. Thou shalt not forget anniversaries, mother’s day or birthdays. These are not optional. Breaking this commandment is going to cost you at least a week’s salary plus you get to hold her purse while she spends your penance.

8. Thou shalt NOT buy lingerie for the wife without wifely approval. Inevitably what you think is hot is hideously uncomfortable or impractical. For instance, crotchless panties are not something women buy for themselves or wish to wear. There’s just no point to them. And what you think looks like a good bra, actually provides no support whatsoever and dumps the breasts, nipples and all, back out of the bra. Again. no point to it.

9. Thou shalt never admit thy wife’s ass has spread, grown larger, grown lumpier or any variation other than perfect. DON’T. EVEN. GO. THERE.

10. Never leave thy sick wife home to care for children, clean house and cook dinner. It seems to me that once you’ve been married awhile, wives are NEVER allowed to be sick or have surgery. Leaving your wife on crutches to carry around the one year old, chase after the three year old and cook and clean is a mortal sin punishable by a flogging with the crutches. Do not look angrily at the wife when she trips you with the crutches. On purpose.

Should any of these commadments be broken, your minimum penance consists of flowers, foot rubs and breakfast in bed. THAT my friends, is the key to a happy marriage.

Note there are consequences to violation of the commandments. See results here.

Because mine sends me messages that say:

Just went pee and received an immediate and stern reminder that lunch included asparagus.

I almost forgot it was Wednesday! (Valley Girl emphasis here: OMG!) I need a nap. Doooode. And so does Hilary Clinton. Girlfriend needs to stop crying in public all the time. There’s no CRYING in the white house. Seriously! Who wants a president who cries all the time?!?! People are gonna bomb the shit out of us if she doesn’t stop crying all the time. They’re going to think we’re all wimpy and emotional! Balls like church bells, Hilary! Be strong! Show ‘em your PMS! Seriously? If I met Osama bin Laden on a PMS day? He’d be all “Oooooh. Yikes! Praise the infidels! Allah has cursed us! I gotta go…um….trim my beard hair. Don’t call us. We’ll call you. Peace out!”

Here are the rules guidelines again for Whatever Wednesday: Answer the question the previous commenter left and leave a question for the next commenter. Anything goes. Ok, first question, if you could be reincarnated as any creature- bird, animal, fish, insect- what would it be and why?

Ok, remember the barf bag with the squished bug? I’m driving along yesterday and son #2 says “Here, Mom” all casual and all, and just so you know, if you’re a mother to boys, DO NOT stick out your hand. It’s NEVER good. You don’t even want to know the hideous things these children have handed me over the years. So of course, I stick out my hand and it closes over the empty ziploc bag and as I look down, I see the massive, disgusting squished bug. I almost wrecked the damn car! HE GAVE IT BACK TO ME! Oh no he di’nt! I yell “What the….I DON’T WANT YOUR SQUISHED BUG!” And then son #1 shouts “LEMME SEE! I WANNA SEE! PASS IT BACK HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!  MMOOOOOMMMM LEMMMEEE SEEEEEEEEE” Sigh.

I’ve spent most of the last twenty years saying that. I’ve been around since my brother in law was 9. This kid has been a handful since the day he was born. By a year old he would regularly paint his bedroom walls with poop. By the time he was 5, he was cutting kindergarten. By the time I came along, this kid had trouble down pat. And when he got caught? He always said “It was like that.” Through the years I’ve noticed that Steve and his sister use “it was like that” and now, my own son regularly responds with “it was like that!” Which causes a full body spasm, arms waving, eyes rolling into the back of the head, teeth clenched while I yell “IT WAS NOT ‘LIKE THAT’ !!!!!!!!!!!”

Over Christmas Steve’s sister broke his mom’s computer and so he got her on the phone and said “What the hell did you do to mom’s computer?!” Her answer? “It was like that.” Staci, IT WAS NOT “LIKE THAT”!!!!!!!!!

The kitchen sink was completely stopped up the other morning and I had to call a plumber AGAIN. I’m staring into the sink all annoyed and said to Steve “You put coffee grounds and egg shells down the disposal again, didn’t you?!” And do you know what he had the nerve to say?! “It was like that when I woke up.”

Nothing makes me snap like those four little words. Son #1 threw a bunch of little army men all over the floor of son #2’s room this morning. Upon being confronted, he said “It was like that!” GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT WAS NOT “LIKE THAT”!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

After twenty years, Steve’s brother can’t even look me in the eye and say “it was like that” without starting to laugh. Because immediately my face goes all purple, eyes start rolling back and my mouth opens to scream. And just for the record IT WAS NOT LIKE THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!