Arggg. You know when you’ve come to a point where you’re just so emotionally fried it’s hard to function? Yeah. I’m there.

Yesterday after baseball practice, Steve and I finished loading the equipment into the car. I turned around and said “Where’s son #2?” We both turned in a wide circle and there was no son #2. We walked back to the field to check the field and playground. No son #2. I starting calling him. No answer. No son #2 as far as the eye can see. I have nightmares like this. Only this one was real. I started calling more frantically. There were some parents who know us who started helping us look. I. was. freaking. out. Steve started on a lap all the way around the school. I started digging in my pocket for my cell phone to call 911. A parent suddenly yells to look over on the hilltop that’s behind the school, where there is a grove of trees. I have forbidden both kids to ever go up there because unsavory characters hang out there AND they could easily be kidnapped unseen from there. And yet? As I started running that way, it did appear that son #2 was up there. When I finally got close enough to see it was him, I almost threw up. I totally lost it. This is my recurrent nightmare. I felt sick for hours afterward.

If that wasn’t bad enough, the phone rang late last night. You know when the phone rings late and you just know it’s nothing good? And you want to freeze that moment in between what you know and are now and the next moment when some sort of hell is going to let loose on you? You just want to run away from the phone and go hide in a hole and not come out. Because in the last few years, when the phone has rung late at night, it’s always been death on the other end. And so it was last night. Steve answered the phone “Hi, Mom!” then “WHAT?!?!?” And the last two times he had said ‘what’ that way, someone had died. My favorite relative on Steve’s side of the family was found dead yesterday. She’s young- early 50’s with four kids. OMFG. Now the sick feeling won’t go away.

I am spent. I can’t seem to get it together today. Sigh.

Possibly related posts: (automatically generated)