Dear Fuzzy Croc Dude,
I cannot believe you are wearing those shoes. REALLY? I mean, seriously. Let me take a minute and question your manhood here. You’ve seen the shoes, right? I mean, you looked down when you put them on? You’ve seen them on thousands of little girls, right? RIGHT? Anything found on millions of tiny, little feet DOES NOT belong on your feet. And what did you do with the free tiny vagina they gave away with the crocs? Even if I were to look the other way on all of these violations, let’s discuss the fact that you were wearing them with sweats. Not macho, bro. Quien es mas macho? Someone other than you, Fuzzy Croc Hombre.
You seemed like a perfectly normal human when I saw you stroll into the burrito shop. Until I looked down. Then I pretty much snorted my burrito and almost had beans come through my nose. What the hell were you thinking when you made this footwear selection before leaving home today? That you’d have the lay-daaaysssss swooning at your effeminate, plasticky feet? Because I almost choked to death, perished from inhaled burrito.
With this out of the way, can we please talk color selection? Did you, like, walk into the fuzzy croc store and just bust out with, “Give me the off-greenest fuzzy crocs you’ve got!… No, not those - too strained pea. Do you have something in a newborn baby shit? Yes, wonderful. These are perfect!”
While I was careful to give you a wide berth, I can only imagine the 12 stages of odor your feet must be going through in your polyester-lined, recycled whiffle ball footwear. They’re clearly somewhere between stage 1: “Is someone having a vinaigrette?” and stage 12: “The guy at the dump won’t even take these effing things.” Luckily, I kept you at a safe enough distance to leave the specific effect on the nose to the imagination. If only this were the case with my eyes. My eyes. They burn.
Sincerely,
The rest of the world
April 24, 2008 at 11:39 pm
Ugh. I hate those things so much.
April 24, 2008 at 11:50 pm
Ha! My sentiments EXACTLY! I *hate* crocs.
April 25, 2008 at 3:07 am
I virtually live in mine lol.
Not the fuzzy ones, just the normal ones. They are really comfy, dont stain when they get beer/wine/other alchofrolic drinks on them at work and they dont rub or hurt. When your standing/running round like a blue arsed fly for an 8-9 hour shift at work these are the best things ever….
lol. It was actually my orthopaedic doc who reccomended them too me.
They’ve got to be the proper versions though, not the cheap knock of crocs that cost you about £5
But i can see how some people dont like them!
April 25, 2008 at 6:29 am
hey! men can enjoy crocs too! live and let live!
April 25, 2008 at 6:46 am
hahahaha!!! this cracks me up. I thought I was going to curl up into a ball when my daughter proclaimed she wanted a pair. Now she has two. One for school, and one to lounge in. Personally I use mine when I have to go out in the garden. I just think of them as really expensive galoshes/house shoes and nothing else.
The kicker for me is when I saw a lady in her mid-50’s wearing them at work. And not on CASUAL FRIDAY. It was the middle of the week. And she wore them on more than one occasion. AND they were accessorized. Seriously. How old did she THINK she was? 11? Not even my daughter likes to accessorize her shoes!
April 25, 2008 at 7:55 am
My mother-in-law lives in her and so do other members of my husbands family. Thankfully, he has no interest in them. I don’t wear them and would NEVER let my son wear them. They are horribly ugly!!!
That’s EXACTLY what they reimnd me of too!!!!
I especially love your description of “recylced whiffle ball footwear”!!!
Give ‘em all a nickle and tell them to go buy a fashion clue!
April 25, 2008 at 8:33 am
Does nobody over 30 remember ‘jellies’ with cold sweats and humiliations? Looking at a photo of myself in ‘jellies’ is more than enough of a reminder to stay far far away from crocs.
My kids on the other hand love them. But then my kids are 5, 4, and 2 so they think that anything with a disney character on it is the height of fashion.
April 25, 2008 at 10:26 am
That’s nasty.
Even my eight year old would never wear fuzzy ones. Gross!
She has a couple pairs without even holes for charms, but they are used on deck for swim practice to keep the creepy crawlies and plantar warts away.
I can’t imagine any self-respecting man would wear these in public. This seems like the new iteration of the Tevas and socks of the 90’s.
April 25, 2008 at 12:50 pm
My mom orthopedic doc also recommend the crocs to her. But she only uses them at home. She says she look “strange” on them when she goes out. ( my mom never uses bad words so.. you can think strange as the worst word she would use to describe how she feels she looks on them).
And other thing.
newborn baby shit.. thats a really ugly specific color. Can forget the 1st shit my baby did.. iaccc
April 25, 2008 at 6:14 pm
They are, truly, the ugliest things in the entire world.
April 25, 2008 at 9:20 pm
Crocs are dumb shoes. Fuzzy crocs are dumber.
I’m all about shoes that protect your feet – I’ve broken too many toes. I don’t wander around with out shoes on. Um, except for right now, as Heather would get really mad at me if I were sitting in our living room (I can’t remember the last time) in my soccer cleats.
However, crocs are really colorful. And some people (as evidenced by the comments), swear by them. You’ll never find them on my feet. And my kids have better taste, too!
April 25, 2008 at 11:13 pm
I’m with the person who said this is reminiscent of the “jellies” fad. Ew, GROSS.
But this is the PacNW-land of the funky footwear people. You know…the people who wear sandals in the winter (I’m guilty), people who see no issues with socks and sandals (I am NOT guilty (eew)), ankle boots and knee high socks (no lie), and now appearantly baby poop fuzzy crocs.
My shoe philosophy is simple-I have one pair of sandals, one pair of boots, and a pair of nice black ballet flats. I will wear them until they die a miserable shoe death and then I will purchase another identical pair to replace them.
April 26, 2008 at 5:17 pm
I really can’t wait til those things go out of style.
April 27, 2008 at 4:26 am
Just to put the whole orthopaedic benefit into context, from taking ibruprofen every day for pain in my hips and back, falling over lots because my hips pop, and not being able to walk round town shopping without aving to sit down for the rest of the day with sie legs/back/ and hips Im now virtually off the painkillers and back working a bar job doing 7 hours at a time stood up!
i swear by them, yeah they may look a bit weird, but then again, doesnt most fashion when you think about it?
I’d rather have something on my feet that I know arent going to make me end up with worse back problems in a few years time, or deformed feet from trying to squeeze my toes into a stilletto etc.
April 27, 2008 at 9:48 am
This must have been the same man that was in the Starbucks this morning with PINK FLIPFLOPS ON.
Yes. I said a man, with pink FLIP FLOPS.
I hate Flip Flops, and a MAN with Pink ones is just sickening.
Those other shoes that you mentioned though…well they make me a whole different level of sick. Like the kind that they have to lock you up for. In the place where you have to eat checkers.
April 28, 2008 at 4:19 am
EVERYONE, it seems, is wearing those things around here. I see more males in the medical field than anyone else wearing them. I just thank God that my doctor doesn’t wear them! I don’t really like them myself, but I have a feeling my little girl will be asking for some soon.
April 28, 2008 at 9:50 am
Faith- I love pink, Thinking men shouldn’t wear pink is reinforcing gender sterotypes that lead to larger more serious issues. Your arguement saying men shouldnt wear pink is like me saying women shouldnt wear blue since it is a “masculine color”.
Saying that a man wearing pink is sickening, well i just think that is absurd.
This is not a personal attack, just my opinion.
April 28, 2008 at 2:54 pm
Yo, H…this is what’s known as your proverbial “can of worms.”
1. religion
2. politics
3. sex
4. crocs
April 28, 2008 at 3:32 pm
Eww… a man actually wears those fluffy things? Eww… eww…
April 29, 2008 at 5:06 am
Crocs are the devil. And men in Crocs look stupid.
Namaste.
April 29, 2008 at 11:52 pm
go to Fredricks of Hollywood and get those POM-POM slippers or…
get “the Jesus”
http://jerrster.wordpress.com/
May 1, 2008 at 7:28 pm
Jack- Word around here is that they’re comfy. Hurrrumph.
Sandi- It was a DUDE with the crocs!
Nemma- I’m ok with the women and children in crocs. It’s a dude with fuzzy crocs that I have a problem with. Actually they could be unfuzzy and still be wrong on a dude.
Jesse- The strict San Francisco gay dress code forbids crocs too. I’m not alone in this. ;D
EW ZEE! Accessorized?! Seriously!
Christina- They really do remind me of whiffle balls. lol.
Colleen- Lucky for me I was a little too old to go with the jellies. Thank God.
Scout- I wonder if it’s just a PNW thing. I remember wearing many awesome swimming fads. Like a bucket hat over my swim cap. No shit, there’s a picture of me in my high school yearbook with that on at a swim meet. And socks and Adidas sandals. And 2-3 ripped speedos layered over each other. Fashion mavens we were not. Oh God.
Sabrina- Yes I often describe things as the color of newborn baby shit. lol.
Ree- Yeah, I knew they would offend your hip shoe-wearing sensibilities.
Beau- As well any wife should kill over wearing soccer cleats in the living room. ;D
Person- The style of dress here could be described as “aggressively casual.” lol.
Talisman- Here’s hoping. lol.
Nemma- Really, I’m ok with you wearing them.
Faith and Jesse- Faith-I’m afraid your pink flip flop comment might have offended Jesse a little. I actually like pink on men, but that’s just me. I would grin ear to ear if I saw some big hairy dude in hot pink flip flops. Jesse- You’re right. Stereotypes bad. Pink good.
Beth- I KNOW! WHO KNEW?!?!
Pandemonic- Oh it was hideous!
Phil- Yeah. I’m afraid that dude looked like a fool.
Jerrster- I don’t like Jesus shoes either. Birkenstocks are just as bad.