This week’s art lesson consisted of watercolor paintings and using salt for a cool textural effect. I poured the salt into nasty containers from the art room that have had all manner of disgusting things in them. As I passed out the containers I said “DO NOT eat the salt! These containers have had very yucky things in them that DO NOT go in your bodies.” I look over to see a child is already licking the salt. I said again “I DO NOT want anyone eating the salt from the containers. The salt is to sprinkle in your paint.” Again, I see another child licking his lips. Are ya’ kidding me?

I said “If you heard what I said about the salt, raise your hand.” Doooode. Only half the fricken’ attention deficit first graders raised their hands. So I started calling on each child without a hand raised, one by one, saying “What did I say about the salt?” And after every single one of them finally had their hands raised I said “I’m gonna be pretty upset if I see anyone else eating salt now that I know every single one of you heard me.” I saw a kid eyeing the salt. I caught him with the death glare. “DO NOT eat the salt.”

So today? In fifth grade? Same thing except a Ralph Wiggum-like voice pipes up and says “But I like salt!” Sigh.