There’s gang wars happening in my ceiling

I’m gonna just go ahead and say it. We have a rat problem. Luckily, the rats are not in the house, but they are in our garage and in the ceiling crawl space. We have battled these rats for three years. We had tried hiring Orkin, who set out a bunch of glue traps, but now we have glue traps stuck all over the floor of the garage and Orkin never caught a single rat. Steve caught 26 rats that year on a single old-fashioned rat trap. Then we didn’t hear from the rats again. As fall approached, suddenly the rat activity picked up. We got one of those rodent deterrent things from Sharper Image that makes sounds that irritate the rats and drives them away. It also irritates the hell out of people too. That just made the rats fight. AND we discovered that instead of just having roof (black) rats, we had also acquired Norwegian rats this year. Norwegians are very aggressive and one of them chased son #1 while he screamed like a girl. Ok, yeah, I laughed. 

I finally cried uncle and called a pest control company that specializes in rats and doesn’t just phone it in like Orkin. They actually kill pests, instead of scratching their heads and suggesting we might not have a pest problem if there are no pests in the traps. (That’d be because the traps are all stuck to the floor after the rats had a party with them.)

My new best friend, Joe, promised to get rid of the rats for me. And I told Joe, “Dooooodeeee. They’re making so much noise up there in the ceiling, we can’t hear the TV! I bang on the ceiling with a mop, and yell ‘Keep it down in there, I’m trying to watch TV!’ and they don’t even pause with the ruckus they’re making. And now, with two kinds of rats, there are gang wars happening up there. The Norwegians have moved in on the Black’s territory and there’s gun fire and shit up there.” When Joe finally stopped laughing and wiped the tears from eyes, he said “We can get rid of them, I promise.”

Joe found that they had chewed a hole in the roof among other things. He did a bunch of exclusion work. Only? We were still hearing them, although the gang wars have died down. I haven’t heard a drive-by in weeks. Two days ago though? I went into the garage to get milk from the garage refridgerator. I thought I heard something, but decided it was the water pipes. When I rounded the corner to get to the fridge, I see the floor to ceiling cabinet with a moving rat tail hanging out of it. After I stopped screaming ten minutes later, I decided I wasn’t going back to the garage EVER. Except? Steve is out of town and I need milk. So yesterday I did what any female would do and went to the store to get milk instead. That’s why they pay us chicks the big bucks. And we were out of bread so I bought bread. I usually buy a few loaves and put them in the garage freezer until we need them. Except I forgot that meant I’d have to go into the garage to put them in the freezer.

I formulated a plan last night to get into the freezer. I was going in with Bear Pepper Spray.

Steve had a stroke when he found out my plan. I ran my plan by my neighbor, Michele, who thought it sounded perfectly reasonable. But Steve’s all concerned about me taking the paint off of stuff. So Michele suggested I go in with a torch and burn them. Steve thinks I’ll burn the house down or something. He’s totally unreasonable and suggested that I use a Karate side snap kick instead. Right. Like I’m gonna do that. Then I’d have to touch it. NO. I thought about a bat, but I’m concerned about swinging room. What I really need is some suggestions about how I’m gonna get in the garage, People, and what weapons I’m going in with. I’d use a firearm, but those are in the garage too. Steve has zero sympathy and told me to stop being a p****. I informed him that I actually HAD one of those. So I was entitled. I need a plan, People. Michele’s husband is out of town too so there are no dudes around to do the deed. Help me, Obi-Wan, you’re my only hope.