The great naked cooking debate

I’m sittin’ here at my computer, minding my own business, eating a cracker as I go through my daily blog readings. And I get to my friend, Susan’s blog, and when I read her entry, my mouth fell open, cracker fell out my mouth, and I almost fell out my chair.

It’s because I discovered that not only does Susan naked cook, she BLOGGED that she naked cooked and well, she burned her business naked cooking. Now this concerns me on multiple levels, besides the obvious burn factor. The first thought that crossed my mind is “How often does she naked cook?’ Because Dear God, I’ve eaten her cookies. Were those cookies naked cooked? How many meals and snacks have I eaten from her house that were naked cooked? She so nonchalantly referred to this naked cooking that it can NOT be the first time. Clearly the novelty of naked cooking has worn off to the point that she does not realize the horror of naked cooking?

So obviously, I have to marshal the forces and get all our friends involved. (It’s not like I’m telling a secret here, Susan, YOU BLOGGED IT! It’s fair game!) So I sent out an email informing the public that Susan naked cooks. Susan defended herself with the following:

Some points in my defense:

1. I wasn’t cooking naked. I was merely removing a pan of delicious cookies from the oven before they burned.

2. Pot, have you met the kettle? I seem to remember you having a very similar injury when you were living here. And yes I laughed at the time. I’m not laughing now.

3. (This is the best point of all) What one of you guys (sorry ladies) wouldn’t love to have your spouse, girlfriend, etc. Serve you fresh, hot, delicious cookies while naked? Ok, some of you girls might like that treatment too.

4. I did not rub up against the food, and my hands were clean since I had just finished showering.

5. The cookies were cleaner than those cooked with clothes on since there was no lint, dust, dirt, or thread that could have fallen on them. That’s one of the reasons they make you get naked when you’re having surgery.

6. I was conserving energy since I was doing all my consumption of resources at non peak hours.

How can you argue against cleanliness (we know your fanatacism about it) and energy conservation (you are a self proclaimed tree hugger)?

And in typical, predictable fashion, the men were all about being served cookies naked. I should also point out that I do not cook naked. She clearly has me confused with someone else. And I guarantee you I would NEVER, EVER, EVER want cookies served to me with ole’ Johnson flopping around. Has Susan lost her damn mind?! My darling husband responded:

I have to admit, you had me at #3. Helen, please make the necessary arrangements.

YES, he’s getting cookies with ex-lax baked into them immediately. I asked who wanted a side of….hair……with their cookies since the men were clearly intent now on the idea of naked cooking. The only husband with an iota of sense replied:

Fast food cooks are required to wear hair-nets to keep stray hairs out of the food. So I hope you were wearing a hair-net on your head along with however many additional strategically placed nets would be needed to cover up any/all such outcroppings of fur. Or are you suggesting that only a single net on your head would be necessary to successfully mask all your plumage (wink, wink, nudge, nudge).

He’s not getting ex-lax cookies, but he might be getting slapped over trying to find out whether Susan has a Brazilian wax or not. Susan claimed that her wet head of hair was all slicked back and not in the cookies and refused to wear a hair net on her nethers. There was also some debate about whether a hair net was actually needed. The conversation degenerated further over Susan, who is a nurse, pointing out that you are naked when they do surgery on you. There was a lot of debate over this until I pointed out that only the cookies should be naked, while certain people insisted the doctors were naked too. Ok, all our friends have a few screws loose and arguments often turn to the completely unrealistic and borderline insane….Mostly due to Susan’s husband, but that’s another story altogether. But alas, once again they have tried to distract me from the fact that SUSAN COOKS NAKED! And I ask you, dear internet, am I THE ONLY ONE WHO FINDS NAKED COOKING UNACCEPTABLE?!?! 

 

Is it wrong?

Is it wrong to eat several spoonfuls of cookie dough for dessert if you’re tired and want to go to bed and are too tired to turn on the oven and wait for them to cook? Is it still wrong if you’re not tired? Is it wrong to go and kill the effin dog who won’t SHUT THE HELL UP?

Back to the cookie dough. Is it wrong to stand at the kitchen counter and eat it right out of the bowl? Is there an etiquette for making a pig of yourself when no one is looking? Is it wrong TO LIKE the cookie dough better than the cookie most of the time? Is it wrong to intentionally not cook the cookie all the way so that it’s very much like it’s orginal doughy goodness? I just need to know the magnatude of the sins committed here this evening. And I really was too tired to cook it….but is it wrong to just make cookie dough and not make cookies?

 

Suck it Martha!

When I was eight years old, my cousin showed me how to decorate cakes. By the time I was ten, I had a little business going selling cakes. On and off throughout my life I’ve sold cakes. I love cake decorating. It’s like art with food. I had kind of gotten away from decorating cakes by the time I had reached my late twenties, but having children renewed my cake decorating passion. I started making elaborate cakes again, spending hours and hours decorating them. We NEVER have store bought cakes. In fact, several times when crisis came around and making a cake caused great stress, Steve would suggest we BUY a cake. Everytime I look at him as if he’s suggested we eat garbage.

I don’t think I mentioned son #2’s birthday party is today. We considered cancelling the party, except the party place doesn’t have another opening until April and his birthday has already been postponed several times due to the wedding and funeral. So even though I am having a hell of a time with son #1 right now, you guessed it, I insisted on making son #2’s birthday cake.

 Lately I’ve seen this trend in cake decorating where a bunch of cupcakes are grouped together and iced like a cake. I decided this method would be the easiest and fastest way to get son #2 his birthday cake. I have to say, it’s a pretty fast method and son #2 is thrilled. And I got to have a little fun. Martha Stewart can just suck it.

 

For the love of fudge…..

In case you haven’t figured it out, I’m an old-fashioned southern cook and stay at home domestic Goddess. I worship all things Martha Stewart and I make everything from scratch. Which is why when I read this post I laughed REALLY hard. I know the feeling.

Anyway, lately my new cooking goal is to lower the fat in a lot of my favorite recipes. Fudge is one of my biggest weaknesses. I LOVE fudge. And I only make it at one time during the year. From October to Christmas. That’s it. That’s the way my mother did it, my grandmother did it and I think even my great grandmother did it. Nothing says the holidays to me like fudge. And last year, nothing said fat on my ass quite like fudge. Making fudge is a complicated, elaborate process involving just the right heat on the stove, candy thermometers, a massive arm workout from stirring thick, gooey goodness quickly enough to keep it from setting and turning, and then sweating over the stove during the whole process. There’s nothing quite like sweating over then burning your tongue on a hot pot of fudge.

So anwyay, you will imagine my delight when I figured out how to make perfectly smooth, delicious fudge in three minutes in the microwave. No sweating, no stove, and no thermometers to make sure it comes out perfectly. It’s low in fat and calories (compared to regular fudge- don’t go eating the whole damn pan) and my husband actually likes it better. He says the other fudge is so sweet it makes his teeth hurt. I’m a huge fan and my kids devoured an entire pan in 2 days. Steve says it makes a good breakfast dessert. lol. As always, the higher the quality of chocolate that you use, the better the fudge. Chocolate chips will work but try to use at least Baker’s Semi Sweet Squares.

Easy 3 minute microwave fudge:

1 can fat free condensed milk (NOT evaporated)
18 ounces semi sweet chocolate (or 3 cups of chips)
pinch of salt
1.5 tsp. vanilla
1 7 oz. jar marshmallow creme (I used Kraft Jet Puffed)

Microwave milk, chocolate and salt for 1.5 minutes. Stir. Microwave 30 more seconds and stir again. Keep alternating stirring and checking every 30 seconds until mixture is smooth. It takes  less than 3 minutes in my microwave. If you microwave it too long or microwave without stirring, the chocolate will seize and it will be ruined. When chocolate is melted stir in vanilla and marshmallow creme. Pour into greased (with butter) 8×8 pan. Refridgerate until set. This doesn’t need to be refridgerated once it is set. Cut into squares and serve. Serves 18 (approximately 2×2 inch pieces in 11×7 pan- 238 cal per piece. 5 points weight watchers.)

Enjoy!

 

Martha Stewart failed me

For the first time ever, Martha Stewart failed me. I made her “Truck Stop Cinnamon Rolls.” It would be much more appropriate to call them “Door Stop Cinnamon Rolls.” Steve called them “Truck Stop Bathroom Rolls.” Feel free to suggest any other clever names you might think of…..