Steve returns tomorrow. Steve returns tomorrow. Steve returns tomorrow. Steve returns tomorrow.
Another day in the life of me:
We’re sitting in the pediatrician’s office and my youngest starts walking over to me with a book which I can plainly see is a Cat in the Hat book. He says “Mom, will you read this to me?” I say “Sure son. The sun did not shine it was too wet to play, so we sat in the house all that cold, cold wet day. I sat there with Sally. We sat there we two, and I said How I wish we had something to do….” My youngest stops dead in his tracks. “But Mom,” he says “I haven’t even opened the book and you’re reading it already.” My oldest says in horror “You MEMORIZED IT, MOM? You mean all this time you weren’t reading to us? You MEMORIZED IT?!” Like I’d committed mortal sin. Apparently they’ve never noticed I sometimes read with my eyes closed. I can do Fox and Socks too or There’s a Wocket in my Pocket. How about Good Night Moon? I can do that one in Spanish OR English. LOL! Seriously, what’s the crime here kids?
Then my oldest points out that I am “reading” the WRONG Cat in the Hat, because son #2 has the Cat in the Hat comes back. I can’t see the book from across the room. Sue me. So I start with that one. My youngest shuts the book. He does not like this new turn of events. He goes and searches for another book. (Does it occur to him that if he picked DIFFERENT BOOKS I would not have every Dr. Suess book ever written memorized? It does NOT. Bring it on! I can do Old Hat New Hat, Hand, Hand, Fingers, Thumb, The Foot Book, The Ear Book…. Or if you prefer we can go to the non-Suess genre such as good ole’ Fireman Small or the Pokey Little Puppy- my all time favorite.) Of course he picks up Goodnight Moon then shrieks “NO READ IT!!!!! DON’T JUST SAY IT!!!!!!!!” I had to pretend to look at and read each word. This might become problematic for me.
Finally the pediatrician comes in and saves me. She decides to put my oldest in a fiberglass type cast that goes up to his armpit. He just about has a stroke as soon as she walks out the room. Literally the tantrum started before we even left the pediatrician’s. It’s uncomfortable. He can’t move his arm. (Duh.) It’s itchy. (Too beady. Too Bumpy. Too Leafy. Too Lumpy. Too Twisty. Too Twirly. Too Wrinkly. Too Curly. -throwing down some Old Hat New Hat for all you non-Suessians out there.) By the time we get into the car he is HOWLING at the top of his lungs. It’s not fun (and the last time you checked it was?) It looks STUPID. People will LAUGH. Finally I told him he looked like C3P0. I seemed to have caught a break with that. Because he started talking like C3P0 saying “Greetings Human, I am C3P0, human-cyborg relations. I am fluent in over three million languages.” It temporarily distracted him until he started howling again about how his arm wouldn’t fit on his desk. Which made me laugh every time he said it. I’m still laughing. It makes me laugh to type or read that. Which only made him howl louder. Seriously. He thinks he needs an extra desk for the arm. So I gave him another C3P0 quote and he was off talking like C3P0 again, temporarily pacified. As we pull up into the driveway he announces he WILL NOT go to school tomorrow. At which time I inform him then he WILL NOT be going to his cub scout meeting tonight and be missing out on pizza and ice cream then. Check mate. Mommy 1, Son 0.
Ah but that is not the end of the story, my friends. He will still exact his revenge. He discovers that if he is going to wear this new C3P0, he can not undo his pants. He can not dress himself. He can not UNDRESS himself. He can not brush his teeth. And here is where it becomes Mommy 1, Son 400. For he will now no longer even allow me to sit down. And I must brush his teeth before the scout meeting because his breath smells very much like you would imagine the smell if you were standing at the Gates of Hell when they let Satan back in after a long night of carousing with the politicians.
Now brushing the teeth of a child who is tactile defensive AND has ADHD is very much like trying to give a cat a pill. The cat-child starts backing up the moment he sees the toothbrush (pill) coming. Should you back said cat-child into a corner or against a wall, cat-child will roll up into a ball and make you push arms and legs out of the way searching for a mouth. When you have finally found a mouth both cat and child will claw you to shreds with violent, loud shrieking. Then both cat and child will try to run away before brushing and/or pill is administered. Upon recapturing cat-child, you must start back at step one and be clawed to shreds again. I have found that really the best way to accomplish this task is by sitting on either cat or child. Roll them up in a blanket so that claws and running away become impossible. Flip them on their backs, squeeze the cheeks and JAM it in there as fast as you can. Then hold the jaw shut. Oh wait, that’s only for a cat. Although children respond nicely to the rubbing of gullets too. Treat your wounds with Neosporin all the while cursing the day said cat or child was born.
So where was I? Ah yes, a day in my life. I’m betting you want to trade places with me just reading this, don’t you? Neighbor came by again tonight to tell me that he had spoken with the fence guy and they think they can get the posts in without taking down the whole fence. I’m wondering if it had to do with the signs I stapled all along the fence telling the fence guy not to take the fence down. lol. Anyway, it looks as though I will not be able to deal with the fridge until we come back. I had hoped to start packing today, although it looks like that will not happen either. I need sleep. And the pediatrician said I had to get up during the night to medicate son #1 so that he would not be in so much pain all day long again. Sigh. Steve returns tomorrow. Steve returns tomorrow. Steve returns tomorrow. Steve returns tomorrow.
It’s funny to even type that. Anyway when Steve called that night I told him about it and he flipped. He got ALL jealous and chit. I’m still grinning because it’s funny. Then he’s hanging up and calls me Sporto. 
