It’s LOOOOOSSSSSSSTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!

Do you have magical elves with a magical flippen’ forest in your house too? I’m somewhat suspicious because socks have been disappearing for years. But I long ago resigned myself to the fact that the magical elves who steal one sock and disappear into the magical forest were figments of our imagination. That Narnia does not exist on the other side of my dryer.

However the kids? OMFG. Do your kids drop something on the floor then scream at the top of their lungs “It’s LOOOOOSSSSSSSSTTTTTTT!!!!!!” Because honestly? It that happens. one. more. time. I’m going to freak. the. frick. out! Because in the last twenty four hours: something was dropped in the car and howling about it’s lostness ensued for the next fifteen minutes. Where I’m locked in a small space with screaming so loud it was causing my ears to bleed. Followed by: Oh. Then? Something was dropped on the floor by the couch and I had to listen to 30 minutes of screaming and sobbing about it being lost. Then? Something was dropped on the way up the stairs and all hell broke loose as a magical elf made off with it and disappeared into the magic forest. Son #1’s tongue scraper disappeared into Narnia yesterday so he threw a tantrum about it. My seven year old melted down 4 times in the last hour over things he dropped and I tell you. I’ve now lost my damn mind. Because I heard myself shout “THERE IS NO DAMN MAGICAL FOREST HERE! IT DID NOT DISAPPEAR! THERE IS NO “LOST” ABOUT IT! A BLACK VORTEX DID NOT OPEN UP IN THE FLOOR AND SWALLOW IT! OPEN YOUR EYES AND LOOK DOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” God, help me. And if I finally catch one of those damn magical elves? I’m tying that sucker onto the back of my truck and dragging it around the neighborhood until a dog finally gets it and eats it. No really, I’m fine. Totally fine. ;D If you don’t hear from me again, it’s cuz I fell into the black vortex that leads to Narnia. Whereby I found a kingdom made entirely of socks and my children’s things……oh and that diamond earring that was stolen by the Lucky Charms guy back in 1992.

 

Merry Christmas and Years of Therapy…

Just wanted to wish you all a Merry Christmas. I am off to Louisiana tomorrow to see my Grandma so blogging may be sparse for the next week. I leave you with the gingerbread house made by son #1….

He strapped Gingy to the roof in a most disturbing fashion:

I know, it scares me too… ;D

 

HO HO HO! Merry Christmas Blogosphere!

Steve and I created and recorded a special little message for you all here.

Have a wonderful Christmas and may all your dreams come true in the new year!

Many blessings to you all, 
Helen

 

You suck, Barnes and Noble!

Bah Humbug. My Christmas good cheer was ruined today by Barnes and Noble. On December 13 I placed a big online order (about a third of the total gifts for the kids and Steve- yeah we like books here!) When I checked out, it said the order would be here in three business days. Well today is SIX flippen’ business days later and guess what? NO ORDER!

I checked online only to discover they weren’t planning on sending me the order until December 31. I tried to control the building rage and calmly called them. I was told that 16 of the 23 books had shipped yesterday, although UPS still hasn’t scanned them into the system so that almost always means they haven’t left Barnes and Noble yet. Oh and guess what? They sent them ground from the east coast (that’s five days for those of you who don’t know your coast to coast shipping times.) Oh the trying of my patience!!! The woman kept saying “They COULD get there by Christmas.” I said “Could or might isn’t good enough!” And she kept reassuring me there was a chance. Finally I said “Do you have kids?” And she was silent for a few minutes then said “no.” Then I said “Here’s the deal. I can’t let my children’s Christmas hinge on ‘maybe’ so I’m going to order from somewhere else and return this order. Cancel the remaining books in the order.” And do you know what this women tells me? She can’t. EVEN THOUGH THEY HADN’T SHIPPED. I said “Boy, you really want to make sure I don’t EVER shop with Barnes and Noble again, don’t you?” And all she said was “Sorry.” So I had to go to Amazon.com this afternoon and pay NINETY TWO dollars in shipping to overnight the same order I placed nearly two weeks ago with Barnes and Noble.

What I don’t understand is why so many companies these days think that their customers will take their abuse and still come back? They don’t even care about customer loyalty. I worked for Nordstrom and Neiman Marcus for many years and these type of situations always make me wonder what’s happened to customer service? What has happened to “the customer is always right”? What the hell has happened to “We want your business”? Because the message I keep getting from so many companies today is “We got some of your money already and don’t care if you ever come back!”

There are ways Barnes and Noble could have made things right today. Especially since I pointed out to the girl that my 16 books were probably still in the warehouse somewhere. But she didn’t want to take the time to find out if there was anything she could do. She also couldn’t be bothered to put a supervisor on and she didn’t care that I walked away angry. It’s bad enough that several of those books were for son #2’s birthday and did not arrive. Had they delivered on their three day promise, they would have been here on time. But to be cavalier about getting it to me for Christmas when it’s clear I ordered it in time, is unacceptable.

She tried to tell me that UPS has been really good about getting packages to customers this time of year. Really? Because I ordered a king cake from New Orleans to be delivered on son #2’s birthday. It never came. The website said it was out for delivery and it never arrived. And UPS couldn’t be bothered to try find out where the driver and truck was. Even though it meant my son didn’t have a birthday cake for his 7th birthday.

I used to own an online business and UPS is so bad about getting things to people on time that I stopped using them in my first month in business. When I’m given a choice of shipping companies, I always choose someone else.

I believe that eventually these companies will receive their come uppance. Once the customer service starts slipping, it’s never long before they are filing bankruptcy. And word of mouth is what builds brands, businesses and loyalty. It’s hard to do that when the word of mouth is “YOU SUCK!” Hey Barnes and Noble YOU SUCK!

 

How I spent my first day of Christmas vacation by Son #1

Mom let us stay up really late last night. Like, two hours past our bedtime! So when I got up at my usual time, I wasn’t tired AT ALL. The first thing I did when I got up was made sure I made the same amount of noise as a marching band to wake the rest of the house up. Mom always appreciates that. I totally woke up my brother right away so that we could fight play.

When Mom got up, she was, like, all grouchy. She’s really scary when she gets out of bed with her hair sticking up all over the place and she’s all angry and stuff. And boy, was she angry. She thinks me and my brother were fighting for two hours already, but we weren’t. Well *I* wasn’t anyway. HE was doing all the yelling and screaming. Then we had breakfast and fought over toast. *I* wanted the first two pieces because I said I wanted toast first so I get the first two pieces. My brother can wait. And Mom made eggs. Yuck. I only like eggs the third Sunday of every month and only if they’re made at precisely 8:33 am. Sometimes I like them on the second Wednesday of the third week of Advent but only if they’re cooked at precisely 155 degrees over an open flame with a tea kettle on the stove. Mom muttered something about being picky, but I have no idea what she was talking about.

At ten Mom had to take me to occupational therapy. It’s an hour drive each way. Me and my brother fought argued talked the whole way there and back. Mom later tried to say that she warned us over and over to stop fighting discussing things. She even tried putting on Christmas music to remind us about that Santa guy, but we were busy discussing things still.

We stopped by Daddy’s office and had lunch. Then we came home and fought played for a couple of hours. Mom had to mail a package so she loaded us back into the car with the package in the back. Then we screamed at each other over who was touching the package. *I* wasn’t doing anything. As usual my brother was doing all the screaming I was just putting my whole body on the package. Mom was starting to look a little weird at this point. She claims our screaming almost caused an accident. Like, her face was all twitchy and stuff. I have no idea what was wrong with her.

When we got home my brother and I had to go to the bathroom at the exact same time. Even though we have three bathrooms, *I* called this one. We both ran to the bathroom and pulled our pants down and started shoving, pushing, punching and screaming tried to go. Then Mom got all weird. It’s like she snapped or something. She yelled ‘THAT IS IT!” and we were all surprised and stuff. Because she had to pull us apart over the toilet while we were trying to get to it first. Then she yelled “BED! BOTH OF YOU ARE GOING TO BED NOW!” I have no idea why either. Man, she’s grouchy today.

But I’m ten. I don’t take naps and I certainly was not tired. I had been fighting playing for seven hours straight! So I did what I always do, since I was, like, 1, and I yelled and screamed and kicked and cried about how I wasn’t tired and I wasn’t taking a nap. I’m ten. I don’t take naps. Naps are for babies. I’m not spending my Christmas vacation taking a nap! I screamed for a whole half an hour!

Then, it was weird. I don’t know what happened. Mom was standing over my bed waking me up. She must have done something to make me fall asleep. Because I’m ten. I don’t take naps. Then *I* was all grouchy. Mom said Dad said we had to get up because she was going to Hapkido and he demanded she wake us up so that he could put us to bed while she was gone. I have no idea why but she called him a weasel.

Well, anyway, for some reason I’m going to the office with Dad tomorrow while my brother stays home. Mom still looks a little weird….

 

Deck the halls!

It’s that time of year where bloggers all over the world start awarding and memeing and in general spreading blogly joy. And I know I just made up a whole bunch of words, but since the blog police were laid off for Christmas, I’m pretty much doing what I want.   Oh wait. I always do that. So Judy awarded me a Merry Christmas award. I’m not really sure what it is, but it sure is puuurrttttty, isn’t it? Since I never follow the rules, if you’re reading this, you just got Merry Christmas awarded. Because that’s how I roll.

So then I’m surfing around, minding my own business, when Tendrils decided to maim me. I mean meme me. Hey, that’s three me’s in a row. MEME ME! No, I haven’t been hitting the eggnog.  It’s always like this in my head.

SO without further ado, my Christmas maim. I mean, meme. Oooohhh three me’s again.

Wrapping paper or gift bags? Gift bags are somehow wrong at Christmas time. Annoyingly so. Especially due to peekers. So I wrap ‘em.

Real tree or artificial? I’ve never in my life had an artificial tree. We usually go to a tree farm and cut down our own, although the last 2 years we’ve used the same live tree and will drag it inside again this year. One year when I was single and broke, some of my friends showed up at the door with a Christmas tree with lights already on it. I suspect that they liberated it from someplace, but I was overjoyed to have a tree. That’s what friends are for. To steal shit for you for Christmas.

When do you put up the tree? Sigh. It’s still not up.

When do you take the tree down? When it becomes embarassing to still have the tree up. lol.

Do you like eggnog? No. Ew. lol.

Favorite gift received? Christmas 2000. My son.

Do you have a nativity scene? Yes. But son #1 would not stop playing with it when he was little and several of the figures are broken. He broke the baby Jesus!

Hardest person to buy for? Ugh. My father. Hands down. He hates everything you give him and returns it and has everything he needs. He even shops for himself around Christmas time just to make sure no one can buy him anything he likes. His sister is the exact same way. I don’t even give her gifts anymore because she hates them. Sigh.

Easiest person to buy for? Son #1.

Worst Christmas gift you ever received? I was engaged many moons ago to someone else and he gave me a mixer for Christmas. I don’t know if that was the worst, but certainly an odd gift from a fiance. Turned out I loved that mixer more than him and still have it. lol.

Mail or email Christmas cards? Neither. Since having children I just don’t even do it. lol. I suck.

Favorite Christmas movie? The old Rudolph movie with the clay animation. I LOVE those movies.

When do you start shopping for Christmas? Ideally in October. But that doesn’t always happen these days.

Have you ever recycled a Christmas present?  No. I just can’t bring myself to do that. There’s something inherently wrong with that.

Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? Fudge. Oh God, the fudge. Reminds me of my grandma.

Clear lights or colored on the tree? Clear.

Favorite Christmas song? It’s a real toss up between White Christmas by Johnny Mathis and Jimmy Buffet’s Christmas Island. lol.

Travel at Christmas or stay home? We try to stay home. We’ve spent the last 15 years being pulled from my family’s to his and we’ve finally put our foot down and said we’re staying home.

Can you name all of Santa’s reindeer? Yes. I just checked.

Angel on the tree top or a star? Depends. Son #2 loves the tacky aluminum foil star glued onto a toilet paper roll but I secretly love the angel.

Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning? We let the kids open a few on Christmas Eve, but save the majority for Christmas morning.

Most annoying thing about this time of year? OBNOXIOUS SHOPPERS!

What I love most about Christmas? The magic of the season and watching people open gifts I’ve given them.

Since it’s Christmas and I want to spread the love around, I’m given’ ya’ll ALL the Merry Christmas award AND maiming, I mean, memeing you. Thank you, Bloglines, for making it so easy to tag 50 people. LOL! Happy Holidays everyone!

:: acid indignation ::

Adventures of Ethan 

A Mommy Story

Alfred Thompson the Cyberspace People Watcher

bloggingseattle

Böh-logging

Candid Yammering

charlie’s house

Chaim

CHRONICALLY SICK, BUT STILL THINKING I THINK

GreyTinspirations

Hearts Wide Open - Adopting from Kyrgyzstan

How many calories does bullshit have?

Iced Mocha

is there a doctor in the house?

Jeff

joey moggie

Just talking out loud…

Licensed to Blog

Life in the Country

Maryamie

Melusine and the GreenMan

Mommy Has Tattoos

Mommy off the Record

My Life as a Hotfessional

nacho underpants

Nemma

Nick

Nickie’s Nook

Nothing to See Here…

Oh, The Joys

Pointless Drivel

Robodad  

Sabrina

Space and Time

Tendrils’ Ink…

TexBlog

Thoughts from the delirious mind

Toddler Planet  

United States of Motherhood

~~Sugar Queen’s Dream~~

 

And God said “a plague upon your houses…”

Since November 19, I have had a sick child at home every day except for three days. And those three days? I worked at school. Seriously. We’ve got the plague here. Son #2 has now missed more than three weeks of school this year. I took him to the pediatrician yesterday and word is he’s got pneumonia. Ummm Hmmm. Pneumonia. Sigh. Then son #1 woke up in the middle of the night last night with fever. I know. Defies belief.

Every year I have the goal of never having to go to the mall during the holiday season. This year I’m finally going to make that a reality since I haven’t been able to leave the house for a month. I’m done shopping and everything is going to be delivered to my doorstep. Woo Hoo! And guess what I asked Steve for this Christmas? I said I didn’t care what I got for Christmas just that he be done by the first week in December. HE is the one who usually forces me into the mall on the 23rd or 24th because he waited until the last minute and can’t find what I want. And much to my shock, HE DID IT! First time in his life! I know. It’s enough to bring tears to your eyes, isn’t it?

I hate the mall during Christmas time. HATE. IT. I hate the pushing, shoving, obnoxious people totally destroying my holiday good will. The long lines, invasion of personal space and frantic shopping put me in the foulest mood. EVER. Before children, I was done Christmas shopping by Halloween. A few years after son #1 came along it slid to Thanksgiving and last year I was running around on the 23rd!

I hope you too are done with your holiday shopping and can relax and enjoy the Christmas season. I leave you with a haiku:

Don’t curse your bad luck
Until you’re sure it’s not good.
A blessing disguised.

 

Hi, remember me?

I’m the smart ass, edgy woman who lost her chi? Yes well I’m back. I think. At least this looks like my house and my stuff. I think I recognize this computer. Except, I’ve spent 30 of the last 45 days in another state. So I’m not sure. I seem to have misplaced my chi again too. Anyone remember where I left it? Ah yes, the gym. I’ll try to get there ASAP to see if anyone else is trying to wear my chi or trying walk off with it or something. Maybe it’s in my locker.

I got home last night and was surprised to see the Christmas tree. “Ah yes,” I thought, “it was Christmas.” I looked in the mirror, surprised to see that I looked haunted. I discovered piles of Christmas presents I forgot that I had opened. But the thing about life and death that I find so surprising is that time and life just march on. Oblivious to the fact that my world is in complete and total darkness, the sun still rises in the morning. Life continues to go on around me and without me. I tell it to wait, and it doesn’t. “But” I say to the sun, “I’m not ready for you to shine because everything inside me is dark.” But I hear no reply. I look around me and realize that everyone else just kept living. Time didn’t stop for them. But wait. I’m not ready.

I sit here in silence with only the ticking of the clock. Reveling in the what ifs. Wondering why time can’t pause until I’m ready to hit “play” again. And I wonder how long it will take for the sun to shine on my soul again? How long will it take before I can be funny without feeling guilty for laughing? How long before I have to face people and tell them that no, the holidays weren’t too good to me this year, without raining on their parade?

Today I go in search of my chi again.  I tried to be funny, for your sake really, but I’m not so much funny, am I? Maybe for a second? Until I got all philosophical on your ass? Stupid sun. It’s not that I haven’t laughed in weeks. I have. My six year old beat my sister in law at the game Fact or Crap. When I ridiculed her for this she retorted “HE ONLY BEAT ME BY ONE!” and I laughed really hard.

The kids seem to be doing ok. My parents took them for a few days and took them to movies and played with them. They’re back at school with their friends today. As for me, I gotta go get the annual hoo-ha check up. Which I just LOVE. Let me tell you, it’s my most favorite thing in the world to do. Favorite. Thing. Oh I’m sorry, was that dripping with too much sarcasm for you? We also just realized a few minutes ago that Steve is supposed to be taking son #1 on a cub scout camping trip. Tomorrow. Mmmm. So much fun packed into the next couple days I’m not sure how I’ll manage. First a hoo-ha exam, then more packing. You’re envious aren’t you? I have to go now. The doctor is expecting my hoo-ha shortly. And I still need to find where I put my chi.

 

Near the end….

Hospice just informed my MIL that Pop is in the first stages of passing. It’s a problem because there are no flights, no trains, nothing available to get back to the Bay Area this close to Christmas. We could drive, but the pass in Oregon may or may not be open. Not sure what we’re going to do. I’m exhausted just thinking about it. If you’re the praying type, say a prayer for him……

 

Tightly Wound Part 2

Steve says I’ve got a hair trigger. And it’s so sensitive that I find AIR annoying. He might be right. Although I find air helpful right now. But later, if it stinks or something, I know I will find that irritating too.

Today’s projects: Packing, Teacher Gifts, Christmas Gifts, Birthday Gifts, GAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! I don’t want to think about all that I have to do. I *SO* wish I was a drinker. Then next week someone could check me into Betty Ford for detox. Sigh.

 

I am wound tighter than a….

It’s getting to me. The holidays. Going back to California. Too much time doing everything for everyone else this week when I have stuff to do of my own. I am wound VERY tightly. Really REALLY tightly. So tight in fact………………that I forgot where I was going with this. It’s been happening a lot this week. I stand frozen in the middle of a room, unable to remember where I was going, what I was doing or what I was going to do. And I keep eating cookies from that effin’ cookie exchange that I went to because I don’t have enough time to stop and have a meal or make myself something to eat.

The bulging disc in my back that has caused me pain and sciatica for the last 18 months, seems to have shifted and is creating alarming new symptons such as weakness and numbing in my right leg. I go to take a step and it feels as if I have no leg there. It’s there but I can’t actually put weight on it because I’m not even sure I’m standing on it. And like I have time to go see a doctor right now anyway.

We are leaving at the butt crack of dawn on Saturday morning and I still have no one to take care of the dogs. My trainer usually takes care of them for me, but he has a funeral to go to out of town. The kennel we usually use can’t keep them the 4 extra hours until we get off the plane Tuesday. So I am freaking out. As Simba barks his fool head off outside.

The kids are acting out. Badly. And that guy that I’m married to? Haven’t seen him. He had this new brilliant idea that he’d do this new working schedule where he’d go in really early one day a week and stay really late one day and then work reasonable hours the other days. But this is Steve the workaholic we’re talking about, so he’s going in an hour earlier than usual EVERY day and then staying a couple of hours later EVERY day. I think he was just looking for a way to work more hours and trying to sneak it by me.

A parent saw me in the hall at school today and said “You’re here like…….. every day…… like……. all day.” Yeah…… like……. I know. And my pants have new and quite brilliant orange and red paint stains. And I found the red paint, but not the thief. It was put back in the cabinet, like they never stole it from my box.

On a more comedic note, we live across the street from the Griswalds. Every night there are more lights up. To the point of me acquiring a sunburn while I sit in the living room. Last night I went over and knocked on the door. Michele answers and I said “I’m looking for the Griswalds.” She points to the living room and says “He’s in there.” I yelled “I’m on to you! Every night there’s just a few more lights up, Griswald!” He swore he’s done. I’m skeptical. And I’m pretty sure a 747 tried to land in their driveway last night. So pardon me while I sit here with my sunglasses on. It’s hard to see the screen with the glare from across the street. I put on spf 50, but I think I might need to go reapply. My face is feeling burned again…..

 

It’s a Seattle Christmas after all…..

I’m sure you’re all wondering about my post traumatic California stress disorder. The eye twitch has gone, but has been replaced by an upper lip twitch. I still feel the urge to start screaming and not stop. Ever. I can’t sit down without bouncing my leg up and down, and  someone asked me yesterday if I had to pee really bad. Steve and I decided we must have a Seattle Christmas after all for our own sanity. So we’re making a quick trip down there the 16-19 (yes, that’s nine days from now and I think my eye started twitching again just saying that). And we’re going to have a Seattle Christmas after all. Sledding on Christmas Eve with hot chocolate, and Christmas day dinner in our jammies. I get verklempt just thinking about it…..

 

I’ve broken my vow

I’m going shopping in a real store. Ok I already went shopping in a real store. I needed to get an outfit for the Microsoft Christmas party. Then I got home and Steve comes upstairs with the invitation and it says FORMAL so I have to wear a dress and can’t wear what I bought. FRICK! So since I’ve already broken my Christmas vow not to shop in public, I’m going to a toy store to shop for the kids today. They saw some really cool stuff they like there. Sigh. Just once this decade I would love to not be forced into a mall at Christmastime!!!!!

 

Holiday Shopping Tip

For discounts and coupons visit Flamingo World I always check there before I checkout online. Saved $20 today. Woo hoo! Once I saved $96 on shipping. Gotta love Flamingo World!